What about Don?

A couple days ago, I got a comment from a gentleman named Myles who was concerned about my husband. He wrote:

I've been watching your blog for some years now. I've been to Portland with you four or five times meeting your friends and seeing your favorite place for coffee and the bookstore that you frequent right before your trip back home. I've also been with you on your book tours and to the preparedness expos. Just a few days ago I went along while you went off to the fair with your daughter(s). However, from a man's standpoint, what about Don? Does the poor man work constantly? The only break that I've seen him get is when you went canoeing for a date at the local lake. I even knows that he self catheters and that he's always there for you. My question is does he ever get out? Does he get a chance to hang with the guys? What's he do for fun other than build, repair or make beer steins?

I thought this was awfully sweet of Myles to be concerned and figured I'd take this chance to explain further about my dear husband.

One of the things Don and I had to accept when we began developing a farm is that most trips must be taken separately, because someone must always be home. So when I go to Portland or other road trips, I'm by myself (or with our daughters) and Don stays home. But here's the thing: Don also takes trips, but I don't mention them on the blog because I don't like advertising to the world that I'm home by myself. The occasional sales trip (or pleasure trip) is just as nice a break for him as it is for me, even though we can't enjoy those trips together.

Don works his tail off to support us and I'm more grateful than I can say for what he does. Thankfully the most intense work is seasonal (summer and early fall), so when our season ends, so does much of the tankard work. Fairs fall during this busy time, so if we attend at all, it's usually only one or the other of us. Don isn't the shutterbug I am, so he doesn't take pictures of everything he does.

Our slow season is coming up shortly. During these months our income drops, but we very much look forward to our slow season to reconnect, take things easier, catch up on neglected chores, work on projects around the farm, and batten things down before winter.

(A quick note about his self-cathetering: this references a year and a half ago when Don was hospitalized for three days with acute kidney failure and other issues. The culprit turned out to be a grossly enlarged prostate. He had outpatient surgery a couple of months later and has been right as rain ever since, thank the good Lord above.)

Don is a member of an organization in a nearby town that meets twice a month. He's active in this organization, not only as a member but also on several committees. He enjoys volunteering his time toward charitable events they put on, or helping with whatever functions take place. Here he is, for example, in the organization's Drug Awareness Booth at a small local fair:

We have weekly potlucks with our neighbors, a lovely group of people that we just plain like spending time with.

One of the reasons Don and I are such a good match is we enjoy many of the same home-centered activities. When we're not working on tankards, we do stuff around the house and farm, or read, or walk, or otherwise enjoy each other's company. We're blessed beyond measure to be so compatible.

To some people this may seem like a boring life, but it's a life we thrive on. We enjoy quietness, solitude, and routine. We enjoy the seasonal changes on the farm and the chores and projects each season brings. We each have friends but we also cleave together. Life doesn't get much better than this, frankly.

So while Myles can rest assured that Don isn't being a thankless work horse, he does have an excellent point: I should include non-working references to my dear spouse more frequently. Thank you, Myles, for bringing this up!

_____________________________

Husband of the Boss addendum:

It's delightful to know that there are people out there who show such concern for others. Thank you! But here's the thing: my life has been a series of adventures in places all over the world. The concept of stopping to smell the roses would have never occurred to me back then. I wasn't always a good man (if I can even claim that title today). It's because I was so blessed to have met and then shared my life with the best person I know that I am probably alive today.

God (whom I had little time for back in the day) has graced me far more than I can ever have deserved. And I have to say, although I would never have believed I'd say such a thing, that leaving the farm, even for my occasional reunions with old friends, becomes less attractive with each passing year. I am just about as satisfied a man as I have ever met. The last and greatest adventure is still ahead of me. I'm in no hurry to begin it, but I have no fear of it. I expect it will even beat the farm.

Again thanks for your well wishes.

Defusing a potential nightmare

I received a startling and somber email from a mother with a question about homeschooling. Not about the nuts and bolts of the subject, but rather how to handle her husband, who opposes homeschooling. I was at such a loss as to how to advise this dear lady that I thought I would open up the topic for discussion and ask folks to send in their recommendations. There is no doubt she's in a thorny situation and needs some advice. Many heads are better than one, so let's pitch in and give her some help.

She writes (edited slightly for clarity):

I want to thank you for all the wonderful information on homeschooling resources. I myself have just recently started homeschooling my four year old in preparation for kindergarten. In the process of me doing that this year my oldest daughter (7 yrs old) has been bullied relentlessly at the school I was to enroll our younger daughter into. Needless to say I have since found a online virtual school to help us with the materials that are needed to homeschool both my daughters next year.

I am up against my husband on this one for the homeschooling. He is pro-public school and doesn't want the girls to be "isolated," which there is no way since they are both involved in Girl Scouts. I am doing this all behind his back in order to protect my girls from injury at that horrible school again. He is one of those that has the mentality that its part of growing up to be picked on. Not when she comes home with a busted lip from a rock that was thrown at her and bruises from a child grabbing her.

Any suggestions on how to handle him and defuse a potential nightmare when he finds out???

I admit I gave a low whistle upon reading this. I've met people who are strong advocates of public schooling, but not at the risk of their own children.

So, dear readers, please help her out.

How DARE he?

Older Daughter woke up the other morning and came out of her room, blinking sleep from her eyes. "I had the weirdest dream," she told me. "I dreamed I dumped a boyfriend because he dared to use bathroom humor in front of me, A LADY."

Let it be known that Older Daughter has never had a boyfriend. But when she does, he'd better not use bathroom humor!

Raising boys to be husbands

See those damp patches on my husband’s knees? Those came from working on fencing.

We’ve been tightening, repairing, and replacing fences in the last couple of weeks. In this particular photo, those damp patches came from my husband kneeling over and over again on wet ground to ratchet the bottom wires tight before we wired everything in place to the T-posts. He's the one kneeling on the ground getting wet. Not me, him. In other words, my husband is being a true Man and doing the dirty work.

This reason I mention this is because of a recent article I read called How to Raise the Men We’d Want to Marry.

It’s a fine article, I guess (speaking as one who has no sons). But I found it just a little too full of new-age claptrap, just a touch bit heavy on the feelings and emotions of boys at the expense of what woman might actually want in a future husband.

Please don’t misunderstand; by no stretch of the imagination am I suggesting we don’t nurture the feelings and emotions of boys. I may not have any sons, but I have three brothers (and no sisters) so I flatter myself that I’m a little familiar with how boys operate. But the impression I get from this article is that the boys are missing out on the rough-and-ready, no-nonsense, bang-about experiences with their fathers which offsets and balances the emotional nurturing from their mothers.

You might think this to be a funny thing for me to write about, n’est-ce pas? After all, what do I know about raising boys? Perhaps nothing… but I’m interested in how you raise your boys. We may not have sons, but we have daughters; and someday our daughters will find someone else’s sons to marry. So the proper raising of sons is of intense interest to me.

A boy needs lots of emotional nurturing from his mothers when he’s young. But as he grows up he naturally start gravitating away from his mother’s cuddles and embraces towards the more manly example set by his father. He’s less interested in “talking about his feelings” than he is engaging in farting contests with his friends. That’s just a boyish nature, and I don’t see anything wrong with that.

I’m a firm believer that boys don’t do well if their nascent manly qualities are not nurtured and guided by their fathers (or father figures). I’ve written about this before and my opinions haven’t changed.

As an amusing aside, one day I was visiting my friend Enola Gay while her 2½ year old son Master Calvin was engaged in a battle with padded wooden sword and shield with his older brother. Calvin got smacked on the nose with a sword. Crying, he came dashing into the house and received a kiss and a moment of sympathy from his mama. Then, tears miraculously dried, he raised his sword and dashed outside, once again the mighty warrior doing battle to protect his sisters. It was hilarious because it was ALL BOY.

So anyway, this whole line of thought started me thinking about what I value in a man, and how I would want a boy to be raised if he was going to marry one of my daughters. What qualities do I admire in a man? Fortunately I need look no further than my own house because my husband exemplifies all the manly qualities I could ever hope for – and my daughters see those qualities too.

Here’s what qualities I believe a man should possess, in no particular order:

• Humor. My husband is funny. Hilariously funny. There are times he has the girls and me in stitches as he imitates accents or tells a story with added melodrama or otherwise finds the more amusing side of life. Humor can get you through the darkest and most uncertain of times.

• Morals. Men should have high moral standards. These standards will translate into proper fatherly authority and guidance for his children.

• Warriors. Men should be warriors. I don't mean all men should be soldiers or police officers; I mean a man should be ready, able, and willing to defend his family under whatever circumstances arise. The defense could be as low-key as words (telling his mother to stop picking on his wife) or as dire as shooting an intruder who is threatening his family.

• A work ethic.  A man, my husband tells me, should be able to provide for his family. His opinion is not that women shouldn’t work outside the home – on the contrary – but that women shouldn’t have to work because the man is too lazy to get off his duff and find a job, any job, to make ends meet. A man takes pride in doing whatever lowly job is necessary to provide income for his family.

• Honorable. Men should be honorable. “Honor” is a broad term and encompasses many things: keeping one’s word, providing for his family, protecting our dignity and pride… the list under the term “honor” is nearly endless.

• Honesty. Men should keep their word. My husband is of the old school of thought that a man’s handshake and/or word is as good (or better) than a signature on paper. If he says he’ll do something, he’ll move heaven and earth to keep his word. And if something prevents him from keeping his word, he will apologize and try to make up for it.

• Gentleness. A man should be strong enough to be gentle. And I don’t mean “gentle” in the feminine sense. I mean, a man should know how to convince others through his words and honorable actions, not through sheer strength or violence (unless the situation calls for it, of course). He should know how to discipline his children, not beat them. He should know how to disagree with his wife in a respectful way, not with fury or (God forbid) with force. A man should be strong enough to admit when he’s wrong, and strong enough to be gracious when others admit they're wrong.

• Faith. A man should have faith. A man should be strong enough to know he is weak and flawed, and where to turn to remedy that. A man with faith guides his family toward God.

• Practical knowledge. A man should have practical knowledge – just like a woman should have practical knowledge. My husband can turn his hand to any number of tasks that need doing – he can wire a house, replace leaky plumbing, build sheds and barns, cut firewood with a chainsaw, and other manly activities.

The feminists protest that nothing prevents a woman from doing these things too – and I agree – but then I don’t see a lot of feminists hefting chainsaws and laying in firewood. (Feminists just like to gripe about why men are such useless creatures – and then expect those useless creatures to heft chainsaws and lay in firewood.)

• The Head. A man should be the Head of the household. A lot of modern women take exception to that term, somehow seeing it as demeaning or insulting. By contrast, I see it as comforting and loving. I am the Heart of this household, and as everyone knows, a body is no good without a heart, just as a body is no good without a head. We need both, and the fact that I view my husband as my Head in no way diminishes my importance (especially since I am his Heart). But someone has to have the final say in a house for peace and order to prevail, and God in His infinite wisdom ordained that job to go to the man.

Hee hee, but smart women pick men who truly understand what being “the Head” means. Remember your Laura Ingalls Wilder books? Laura admired the way her parents worked together. I once saw it written that Caroline went wherever Charles took her, but Charles would only go where Caroline let him. In other words, being the Head of a household doesn’t mean being a nasty dictator. In means taking wise counsel from others, primarily one’s Heart, to discern the best path for a family to take. So an important task for a woman in choosing a husband is to pick a man who truly understands what it means to take his place as Head of the household.

• Adoration. A man should have the adoration of his wife. Ladies, this is the single biggest factor to keep your man happy. Don’t ever emasculate your man by nagging or (my personal peeve) ragging about him to your female friends. Discussions with your women friends should center on the latest greatest thing your man has done, not on his alleged flaws. Sure he’s flawed… but you know what? So are you. So adore your husband and watch him adore you back.

So while the “empathy” and “being good listeners” and “expressing feelings” qualities listed in the article (all feminine qualities, I might add) might be a plus in a future husband, I sure as heck wouldn’t depend on those alone to make good husbands for my girls.

Give me a guy with damp patches on his jeans any day. It means he’s a true Man.

Her future husband

My oldest daughter and I were heading into the city a couple of weeks ago.  We stopped in our local town for gas.  Another vehicle was also pulled up and a teenager was pumping gas into his family's car, but I didn't pay him much attention.

I went inside to get my change.  As I got back into the car I saw my fourteen-year-old daughter turned around in her seat, staring after the car that was driving away.

Before I could ask what she was looking at, she settled back in her seat and announced (to my considerable surprise), "I just saw my future husband."

Well, this took a little digesting on my part.  I asked what it was about the young man that caught her attention.

She started ticking off points on her fingers.  "He's Christian, because the car had Christian bumper stickers," she began.  "He's about my age but not in school, so he must be homeschooled.  He wasn't slouching, texting, and didn't have his jeans around his knees.  He had blond curls, like the 'little people' in legends.  He was wearing a beret, which I love but no one, especially teenage boys, would be caught dead in around here.  And finally, he was wearing a 'Lord of the Rings: Return of the King' t-shirt."

After a long pause, she added “It’s kind of a pity I’ll never see him again."

Upon reflection, that's not a bad list of character traits for a fourteen-year-old to assemble about her future husband.  Pity she'll never see him again.