The joys of Flyover Country

Yesterday we butchered four animals. These ladies were two troublesome mother/daughter pairs, three of whom were horned, and they routinely caused problems either by escaping fences or attacking other animals.

I hate butchering days; not because I mind animals being butchered, but because I don’t like causing anguish among the rest of the herd. (I tend to anthropomorphize a lot. Maybe it’s a woman thing.) Whenever possible, I like keeping the rest of the herd out of sight from where the animals are being butchered.

So when the region’s most revered mobile butchers, Potlatch Pack, rolled in yesterday morning, we had the herd down in the pasture and well away from the four targeted animals, which we kept in the rocky driveway area where mud and other complicating factors were minimized.

Don stayed outside to watch one of the butchers, a fellow named Chance, do his magic. I stand in absolute awe of Chance’s sharpshooting skills: one single clean shot in one of two preferred locations (either between the eyes, or better yet, a spot between the eye and ear). On this particular occasion, he peeked around the corner of the house and dropped all four animals within 15 seconds of each other. They literally didn’t know what hit them; they didn’t panic; they didn’t even realize their fellow herdsmates were down. The animals didn’t even kick or struggle. They just – dropped.

Chance and his helper had the animals processed (gutted, skinned, quartered) within a few hours, then with a cheerful wave they were on their way. The carcasses will be hung in a cooler for about ten days, then cut, wrapped, and frozen.

Whenever I read about someone in their ivory tower complaining about the backward rednecks in Flyover Country, I think about the wonderful, humane, efficient people working for Potlatch Pack. I know the type of people among whom I prefer to spend my life. Give me the “backward rednecks” like the Potlatch Pack folks any day.

Redneck seating

Doubtless you've seen those internet memes on redneck solutions. Reader Michael sent the following photo illustrating somebody's resourcefulness in using up old tires.

Hmmmmm -- redneck seating -- the possibilities are endless!

Redneck Guide to Emergency Preparedness

A friend sent this.
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A Countdown of the Ten Items in Your Redneck Emergency Preparedness Kit

10. Smokes and Chew
Marlboro Lights for a category one hurricane or tornado, Marlboro Mediums for a category two or three, Marlboro Reds for a category four. You need a serious smoke for a serious hurricane. Chew is important because it counts towards your daily supply of vegetables.

9. Booze
Hide the Budweiser and have a couple cans of Milwaukee’s Best in case strangers stop by or you need to barter with neighbors. Follow this safety rule for consuming alcohol in emergency situations: beer for morning and Jack Daniels for afternoon and evenings. If you are too drunk to walk then use your ATV, otherwise it will take you forever to get anywhere.

8. Food
Slim Jims and -- if you want to live large -- get some mustard for dipping, beef jerky, pork rinds and anything that was on the table that the dogs didn’t eat or wasn’t sprayed with Raid when you were clearing cockroaches during dinner.

7. A Boat
A true redneck has a boat in his yard for years at a time without ever using it once. That’s because it’s for emergency purposes. I highly recommend a two-stroke motor that will always start after it’s kicked a few times. Preferably that motor will be a Johnson, because jokes about your Johnson never get old.

6. Pickup Truck
A redneck is a man that has less than 50% of his vehicles running at any given time. It’s easy to tell the vehicle that is driven the most by counting the 7-11 hotdog containers on the floor. But when a hurricane hits, it’s certain that a redneck in a Ford F-150 that is held together with Bondo will be pulling your Lexus out of a ditch.

5. A Dog
A dog will tell you if something is edible or not.

4. A Flashlight
You need one in addition to the light the family uses at night to go out to the bathroom.

3. A Radio with a powerful speaker
That way you have something to drown out the wife, kids, mother-in-law, your sister-in-law Crystal, your sister Crystal, cousin Crystal, and your neighbor Crystal and her daughter little Crystal.

2. Home Security System
(1) Buy a pair of size 14-16 work boots.
(2) Put them on the front porch with a copy of your most recent assault charge.
(3) Put some giant dog dishes next to the boots and court papers.
(4) Leave this note on your door: "Jake and Buster: I went for more ammo & beer. Back soon. Don't mess with the pit bulls; they messed the mailman up bad this morning. I don't think Satan took part; hard to tell from all the blood. I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside. Be right back. The cops will be back too.”

1. Guns and Ammo
I’m not talking about the magazine. Looters will be shot on sight and their loved ones can buy their watches and rings back from the pawn shop. And personally, I’d like to say that if you have a gun then squirrel is always on the menu if a disaster causes the traffic to be bad.

(Get yourself prepared in case you have a shortage of rednecks in your area. Don’t expect the government to be able to get to you or provide for you. And of course, stay loaded my friends.)

You Might Be a Redneck If...

Here's another post I just uploaded to The Regular Guy entitled "You Might Be a Redneck If...

And yes, the accompanying photo was taken on our front porch.

Redneck marriage proposal

This actually happened.

We have a charming and attractive 19-year old homeschool graduate who lives nearby. Recently she prepared a Christmas plate of baked goods to deliver to a local gas station/auto repair place, where the employees have always been very helpful. She gassed up her car, then went inside to pay and deliver the cookies. The following conversation occurred with a man at least twenty years her senior who was hanging around the gas station.

"So. Do you like sports?" he asked.

“No,” replied our neighbor.

“Do you hunt?”

“Yes.”

“What do you hunt?”

“Bear and deer.”

“Well, I know you can cook," he said, nodding toward the plate of goodies. "Can you get firewood in?”

“Yes, I can get firewood in.”

“Are you married?”

“No.”

“Good. I’m going to divorce my wife and marry you.”

Our neighbor replied, “I don’t think your wife would like that very much.” Then she left.

Who says romance is dead?