With regards to the
unpleasant snark our neighbor Enola Gay received about her son Master Hand Grenade's decision to become a butcher, my husband had a few additional choice words for the snarker. His commentary follows. (My dear husband doesn't like to mince words.)
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With regard to the anonymous correspondent of Enola Gay’s son Master Hand Grenade and Hand Grenade’s decision to become a butcher:
Patrice, of course, wrote a careful, well-thought-out comparative piece completely in line with the loving and thoughtful bride that has blessed me by sharing her life.
Now it's my turn. And I'm not
nearly that nice.
I've spent a lot of my life dealing with a whole host of folks from all walks of life and I'm pretty good at reading people. So I'm going to give Mr. Anonymous a reading.
Sir (I'm assuming male from the manner and cadence of his brief post):
They say that brevity is the soul of wit. In your case "they" are wrong. Or perhaps they are right, but the definition of "soul" or "wit" needs amplification.
You seem to have Sir Hand Grenade all figured out. You've commented on, or inferred, his level of intelligence, educational achievements, social status, mental stability, people skills, and future earnings potential… and you've done all of that without ever once having seen or talked to him.
Well this seems like a fun game. So let me take a shot at it with you.
You are crude. I don't come to that decision based solely on the quality of your writing or the content of your message, although either of these would suffice. But the use of personal invective, flung at someone you do not know and who has never done you harm, is definitive. From this I must assume that either your family shares this trait, or more hopefully, they are in despair of your possession of it. In either case, and since you can tell someone's character by the company they keep, we can certainly posit that your friends and close associates must be equally mean and uncouth (assuming, of course, that you possess either friends or associates).
You place a high value on a college education. In point of fact, given that it's the be-all and end-all of your comment, you appear to hold it in higher regard than other human accomplishments and regard those without a college degree as somehow inferior. From this fact, as well as your disdain for the working class and your dislike of firearms, we can safely infer that you are both an elitist and a liberal (but I repeat myself). Further, we can assume you are both a toady and a sycophant since you appear to consider monetary worth and tangible assets as the most important factor in a man's value. From that it seems a fairly safe bet that you are also an atheist.
Finally, combining the inferences above with the general tone of your missive, I must inevitably conclude that you are an unhappy, lonely, bitter, and miserable excuse for a man; a witless, crude and insulting, uncouth elitist liberal whose greatest pleasure in life is toadying to wealthy snobs (who probably despise you for your all-too apparent weaknesses).
How'd I do?
Fortunately for you (and probably everyone who knows you) there is a cure. Drop to your knees and apologize. Oh, not necessarily to Sir Hand Grenade. He's a fine young man whose real worth is well known in our neck of the woods. There's not much you can do that would hurt him. No, you might want to make your apologies to God.
And, like this fine young man’s mother, I'll pray for you too.
