Large families

I thought I'd share a small incident I noticed in the Salt Lake City airport last Thursday as I sat in a coffee shop, waiting for my connecting flight and working on some writing.

The stretch of airport where I sat had one of those moving sidewalks to assist passengers in traversing the long distance. A family came by, with young children who were taking great delight in the moving sidewalk. Three kids were giggling and exclaiming over this exotic form of transportation.

And then I saw four kids. And then five. And then six, as Dad helped along a toddler barely walking. And then seven. And then I saw the mother, pushing a tiny baby in a stroller.

My goodness, eight children, all seemingly under the age of ten. But more than that, eight happy children. Eight well-behaved children. Eight children who were shepherded and corralled by parents through a large airport with nary a tear, tantrum, or even a stern word. The parents were even smiling and not looking stressed.

Some people, it seems, “do” large families very well. This appeared to be one of them. It was just a small, brief incident, but it left me smiling.

Large families ROCK

We have some friends with six children ranging in age from nine months to 14 years. A couple of weeks ago, we had them over for dinner.

Whenever we invite them, we make sure to pull downstairs all the toys we feel would be used -- train tracks, Lincoln logs, Hotwheel cars, some stuffed animals, Polly Pockets, blocks... (We left the box of Legos upstairs since the baby is still in the stage of putting things in his mouth.)

Then when the kids arrive, things explode all over the floor. It's a chaos of toys. It's loads of fun.

Older Daughter, as our nanny-in-training, has a special touch with these kids.

I love having the house full of young children again. There's something so vital and alive about a house full of kids.

In the case of this particular family, Don and the father get along like a house on fire, and the mother and I are extremely good friends. While dinner can never be "sit down" (too many interruptions from excited young kids more interested in playing than eating), the children are so well-behaved that meltdowns or temper tantrums don't happen. (At least, when visiting us. I'm sure they occasionally happen at their home.)

And there's something special and wonderful about large families. We live in an area where large families are very common -- I know quite a few with ten, eleven, or twelve children. Almost invariably, such families are close-knit, beautifully behaved, delightful to have visit, and full of love, joy, and activity. Since space if limited, kids learn to share rooms, toys, and time with siblings, which create close-knit bonds. It's a wonderful thing to see.

Don and I are at the age where our girls will soon be leaving home. When they get married and grandchildren begin arriving, there's no guarantee we'll be in close proximity. Therefore we'll enjoy our time with children when and where we can.

Children are the biggest regret

We went to visit some friends this weekend to see their new baby. We had been impatiently waiting to see their tiny son, who was born three weeks ago. The delay was due to a natural recovery time for the mother, compounded by their family coming down with the flu (except the newborn!) as well as nursing problems for the infant.

So we finally had a chance to coo and fuss over the beautiful baby.

Because he's having latching issues, the mother is pumping breast milk and using a special bottle that is harder to suck -- harder, meaning it emulates the degree of sucking needed under breastfeeding conditions. The mother is working to transition him to regular breastfeeding.

Little Simon is the sixth child and fourth son of these parents, and I hope they have more. Their children are beautifully behaved, full of life, and a pleasure to be around. The parents (Jack and Natalie) are calm, patient, firm, and consistent. In short, the ideal people to have a large family.

Now contrast this happy family with a news article that came out last week in which a mother called her children the "biggest regret" of her life. "[L]ike parasites, both my children would continue to take from me and give nothing meaningful back in return," she says.

I guess I'll give her kudos for being honest. And to her credit, she raised them herself (as opposed to daycare). Now her adult daughter has multiple sclerosis, and this woman is diligently caring for her. I can't fault her in anything except having kids in the first place when she didn't want them.

This woman knew from the start she didn't want children, and she was up front with her husband. "But I knew even then children would be a sticking point. Tony wanted four. I didn't want any. We'd discussed the subject and I believe he thought I'd change my mind."

Therein lay her first mistake. Few people "change their mind" when it comes to kids. As one commenter said, "I agree that children are not for everyone. Raising children can be very difficult at times. However, a woman should think about this before, not after, she has had the children. Nothing can be worse or more damaging for children than to realize they were unwanted."

This reminds me of an experience I had when I was pregnant with Older Daughter. Don and I spent a weekend as vendors at a craft show. In my excitement about the baby, I mentioned to many people that I was pregnant.

Toward the end of the day, the woman in the next booth turned to me and said, “So. I hear you’re pregnant.”

“Yes,” I replied proudly. “The baby is due in December.”

“You’re going to hate it,” she said flatly.

Startled, I replied, “Excuse me?”

“You’ll hate it. Believe me, I have six kids, and I hate them all.”

For the next half hour, as I slumped lower in my chair, she poured poison into my ear about how awful motherhood is. By the time she was done, I was crying.

Sad situations like this -- situations in which a mother dislikes her own children -- is probably a self-feeding cycle. If you don't like your kids enough to train, teach, and discipline them... then you're going to have untrained, untaught, and undisciplined brats, whom you dislike even more. See how it works?

Now compare these women with the family we just visited, who welcomed with loving arms their newest addition. Regret their children? Not a chance. Regret MY children? Impossible.

Just some thoughts for a Monday morning.

The blessings of large families

When I was growing up with my three brothers, our family of four kids was considered a bit unusual because it was so "large." Most people had three or fewer kids in their families.

But now we live in an area where many people, for a variety of reasons, have very large families. Six, seven, eight, even ten or eleven kids isn't unusual. Since we have "just" two children, we're once again considered a bit unusual.

Last night we had some friends over for dinner. These folks have five children ranging in age from three to thirteen, and the wife has a baby due one month from today (I can't wait to cuddle a newborn!). We had an absolutely delightful time.

Before our guests came over, we pulled down all the toys the girls played with when they were younger. Blocks, trains, Hotwheels, dolls, Legos... the boxes of toys were poised and waiting for the onslaught of activity.

It didn't take long for the younger kids to unpack everything and set up their imaginary worlds. While the adults visited, the kids were thoroughly occupied. And I mean thoroughly -- we hardly heard a peep from them for hours.

This old truck -- dating from my childhood -- was a particular favorite. They don't make toys like they used to.

The nice thing about large families is by the time the sixth or seventh or eighth kid comes along, the parents are usually experts on childraising. They no longer have to figure things out as they go along, as Don and I did. They know it all already. They know how to keep calm, to keep order, when to be lenient and when to be strict. Our friends (Jack and Natalie) are the epitome of excellent parents for large families: calm, patient, strict, disciplined... did I already say calm?

And large families, almost to a T, consist of wonderful kids. I don't believe I've ever met a child from a large family who was rude or inconsiderate or disrespectful or spoiled. With so many people in one house, children grow up learning to share, minimize squabbles, help each other, and otherwise get along.

That's why it was so much fun having all these kids over last night. For a few hours, our home was a place of happy chaos. Kids everywhere, playing with toys that hadn't been played with for a long time. And at the end of the evening, all the children pitched in and re-boxed all the toys and left our living room tidy and ordered.

Don and I are getting closer to that time of life when our children are thinking about leaving the nest. Older Daughter will be departing for nanny school in about two years. Younger Daughter is 14 and fast approaching young adulthood. Our days of tiny children being constantly underfoot are over, until we're blessed with grandchildren.

It's a pity, in a way. And that's why we like having large families come and visit.