Wanted: boy kitty

A friend of mind has a friend with a six-year-old daughter who really wants their cat to have kittens. So she wrote out a want ad.

The future of men's fashions?

As you all know, I get an enormous kick out of (cough) "cutting edge" fashion. Here's a Yahoo article entitled I've Seen the Future of Men's Fashion and I'm Afraid. Apparently the Yahoo author is also amused by high fashion.

Here's what Yahoo wrote as an introduction to the fashion show: This week, menswear designers took a giant step for all mankind. Now they might want to take a few baby steps back. The London Men's Collection, a week-long preview of cutting edge collections for the Fall/Winter 2013-2014 season, is supposed to offer a glimpse into the future of menswear. Instead it was a harbinger of a fashion apocalypse. Wooden face barricades, toxic waste jumpsuits, and strapless dresses worn by dour male pixies. Ladies, meet your new stylish man. He's your worst nightmare and he knows it.

Without further ado, please consider adding these fashions to your wardrobe collection. Remember, this is MENSWEAR. All of it.

Nanook of the North, anyone?

Notice what his shirt says: "Please kill me." I wonder if the model wrote that?

I guess oven mitts are now in style.

The Yahoo author was particular taken with the models' glum expressions. Can't blame them.

See, this is what I don't understand about high fashion -- the designers know good and well no one in their right mind would ever wear anything this stooopid. I mean, c'mon -- boards over your head? Giganto oven mitts? Why design it in the first place? What am I missing? My husband speculates that the designers must have a lot of personal problems.

For additional edification, here are a few comments left at the end of this Yahoo presentation:

"My eyes! Oh God, my eyes!"

"My brain just crawled out of my skull and hung itself."

"Don't you hate going to poker night with the guys and finding out one of them is wearing the same minidress as you?"

"OH, NO, NO - PLEASE NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

"There is not enough $$$ in the world to make me wear that #$%$!"

"Perfect for the guy who wants to say "kick my as,s please" without actually saying anything."

"This is why I decided not to go to fashion school. My designs were too normal."

Anyway, folks, this is your chuckle du jour. Now excuse me while I don my Carhartts and mud boots and go feed the cattle.

That is one sick unicorn

With Easter over but our Easter cookies still not gone, I was getting tired of having four separate containers of icing taking up room on the kitchen counter.

So I asked the girls if they minded if I combined all the colored frosting into one bowl. “Yes, but don’t mix it so thoroughly it becomes one brownish color,” instructed Younger Daughter. “Let it swirl, like tie-dye.”

So I mixed the colors into a swirl. “What do you think?” I asked Older Daughter.

She stared for a moment. “It looks like a unicorn threw up,” she said at last.

She’s right. Bad unicorn. No more cookies for you.

Truths for mature humans

A friend sent this. Gave me a chuckle.
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1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
10. Bad decisions make good stories.
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.
13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.
17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?
20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
22. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch three consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
23. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from three feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!
24. The first testicular guard, the "cup," was used in hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.

The Flood

You've probably seen this before, but it remains one of my favorite jokes.
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The Big Flood
It had been raining for days and days, and a terrible flood had come over the land. The waters rose so high that one man was forced to climb onto the roof of his house.

As the waters rose higher and higher, a man in a rowboat appeared, and told him to get in. "No," replied the man on the roof. "I have faith in the Lord; the Lord will save me." So the man in the rowboat went away. The man on the roof prayed for God to save him.

The waters rose higher and higher, and suddenly a speedboat appeared. "Climb in!" shouted a man in the boat. "No," replied the man on the roof. "I have faith in the Lord; the Lord will save me." So the man in the speedboat went away. The man on the roof prayed for God to save him.

The waters continued to rise. A helicopter appeared and over the loudspeaker, the pilot announced he would lower a rope to the man on the roof. "No," replied the man on the roof. "I have faith in the Lord; the Lord will save me." So the helicopter went away. The man on the roof prayed for God to save him.

The waters rose higher and higher, and eventually they rose so high that the man on the roof was washed away, and alas, he drowned.

Upon arriving in heaven, the man marched straight over to God. "Heavenly Father," he said, "I had faith in you, I prayed to you to save me, and yet you did nothing. Why?"

God gave him a puzzled look and replied "I sent you two boats and a helicopter, what more did you expect?"

Equal opportunity insults

A reader sent this.

UPDATE:  Oops!  I didn't realize (until readers pointed it out) that Texas, Kentucky, and Oregon are missing from the list.  Sorry, have no idea what those mottos should be.  Unless someone wants to send in their ideas...?

ANOTHER UPDATE: The reader who originally sent me this realized he'd forgotten Texas, so Texas's motto is now included below.
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STATE MOTTOS

Alabama: Hell yes, we have electricity.

Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos can't be wrong.

Arizona: But it's a dry heat.

Arkansas: Literacy ain't everything.

California: By 30, our women have more plastic than your Honda.

Colorado: If don't ski, don't bother!

Connecticut: Just like Massachusetts, only the Kennedys don't own it – yet.

Delaware: We really do like the chemicals in our water.

Florida: Ask us about our grandkids.

Georgia: We put the "fun" in fundamentalist extremism.

Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami keeki tou. (Death to mainland scum, but leave your money).

Idaho: More than just potatoes....well okay, we're not, but the potatoes are sure real good.

Illinois: Please don't pronounce the “S.”

Indiana: two billion years tidal wave free.

Iowa: We do amazing things with corn.

Kansas: First of the rectangle states.

Louisiana: We're not all drunk Cajun wackos, but that's our tourism campaign.

Maine: We're really cold, but cheap lobster.

Maryland: If you can dream it, we can tax it.

Massachusetts: Our taxes are lower than Sweden's (for most tax brackets).

Michigan: First line of defense from the Canadians.

Minnesota: 10.000 lakes...and 10,000,000,000,000,000,000 billion mosquitoes.

Mississippi: Come and feel better about your own state.

Missouri: Your federal flood relief dollars at work.

Montana: Land of the big sky, the Unabomber, right-wing crazies, and not much else.

Nebraska: Come ask about our state motto contest.

Nevada: Hookers and poker!

New Hampshire: Go away and leave us alone!

New Jersey: You want a ##$%##* motto? I got yer ##@%&* motto right here!

New Mexico: Lizards make excellent pets.

New York: You have the right to remain silent, you have the right to an attorney.

North Carolina: Tobacco is a vegetable.

North Dakota: We really are one of the 50 states!

Ohio: At least we're not Michigan!

Oklahoma: Like the play, only no singing.

Pennsylvania: Cook with coal.

Rhode Island: We're not really an island.

South Carolina: Remember the Civil War? We didn't actually surrender!

South Dakota: Closer than North Dakota.

Tenessee: The educashun state.

Texas: "Se habla Ingles"

Utah: Our Jesus is better than your Jesus.

Vermont: Yup.

Virginia: Who says government stiffs and slack jawed yokels can't mix?

Washington: Help! We're being overrun by nerds and slackers!

Washington D.C.: Wanna be mayor?

West Virginia: One big happy family – really!

Wisconsin: Cut the cheese!

Wyoming: Where men are men...and sheep are scared.

Left vs. Right

Another chuckle du jour.  A friend sent this.

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I have often wondered why it is that the conservatives are called “right” and the liberals are called “left.”

By chance stumbled upon this verse in the Bible:  Ecclesiastes 10:2 (NIV)

The heart of the wise inclines to the right, 

But the heart of the fool to the left.

Yep, that’s it!

Ah, the wonders of Photoshop

A friend sent this.
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The majesty of Mt. Rushmore:

But have you ever wondered what's on the other side?

Maxine on health care

Let me get this straight. 

We're going to be "gifted" with a health care plan we are forced to purchase and fined if we don't, written by a committee whose chairman says he doesn't understand it, passed by a Congress that hasn't read it but exempts themselves from it, to be signed by a president who also  smokes, with funding administered by a treasury chief who didn't pay his taxes, to be overseen by a surgeon general who is obese,

and financed by a country that's broke. 

What the hell could possibly go wrong?

Chuckle du jour

A reader sent this.

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A Congressman was seated next to a little girl on an airplane, so he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the congressman. "How about global warming, universal health care, or stimulus packages?"  And he smiled smugly.

"OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first.  A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff – grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"

The legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming, universal health care, or the economy when you don't know shit?"  And she went back to reading her book.

Chuckle du jour

Speaking as a small business owner, I thought this cartoon was particularly apt.

Guest Blog

Howdy all!

I'm the husband of the Boss.

Patrice is a bit overwhelmed at the moment. We have a lovely family visiting us and she spent all day out and about with them. But being the consummate home Diva that she is, she made sure to prepare dinner before she left by putting a lovely roast in the crock pot. It's amazing how, even at the height of our business year, with visitors, she can juggle all of these things and plan a home cooked dinner for all of our hungry guests (and husband).

So it's absolutely understandable that she might forget the most minor of details; to wit, turning the crock pot on.

We had pancakes.

So... to give her just a bit of decompress, I'm placing here for your enjoyment (we hope) a little piece I wrote for a magazine a couple of years ago entitled:

Death Daisies

Yesterday morning, spring finally came to Northern Idaho. I'm not expecting it to last very long. But that's okay with me. In point of fact, I'm hoping that spring will be gone by dinner. After today, I'd just as soon skip summer and fall and head right back into winter.

Due to an excess of regional cooling, winter held on well into May. But spring finally sprung loudly this morning, waking me from my usual near-hibernative state, and Patrice and I were finally able to go out on one of those early-morning nature walks that used to make me glad I lived here on the edge of the wild.

Patrice is a naturalist by temperament and education, and she delights in the challenge of figuring out the name of practically every plant that she sees. She makes her plant identification by consulting the "Native and Medicinal Plants of Northern Idaho" identification book.

“Oh look! It's Ridikulous dorkus, or "Northwest Common Spotted Dogwattle.” Or something like that. I don't actually pay a lot of attention to what she says on these walks. After eighteen years of marriage, it's the cadence and the melody, not the content. And I usually avoid asking any plant questions because, against all logic and common decency, she will answer them.

This morning however, lulled by actual sunshine, I made the near-fatal mistake of asking, "Is it poisonous?"

"Absolutely!" she replied. Joyfully she read the description of the plant from her book. "The Northwest common spotted dogwattle can cause bleeding from the gums, incontinence, dizziness, and vomiting if ingested."

"Well who the hell would ingest it then?"

"According to this," she said, "it was used by Native Americans as a medicinal plant."

Somehow I don't find that surprising. My admiration for the Native Americans is second to none, but obviously someone had to be the first person to try eating these things. No wonder they were so quickly outnumbered.

"So, we got any other poisonous plants around here?" I asked naively.

"Oh golly yes!" (She actually does speak like that.) Patrice began to spin in a circle, pointing and calling out name after name.

"That's Crampberry, and there's Northern Spleenrot. That lovely flower over there is Pearlie Gates, and there's Clubfoot and Western Hairlip, and that is Buckle n' Bury. And that's Fools Onion, and over there is Devils Clubsandwich. Practically all of them can kill you."

I began to feel various internal organs squeezing in around my backbone for self-protection. "How about this?" I reached towards a lovely purple-blossomed stock.

"Don't touch that! That's False Hells-Hound. Let's see…'Symptoms include frothing of the orifices, nausea, paisley-vision, lockjaw, vomiting, total liquefaction, and of course, death'…just the pollen on a windy day can wipe out whole villages. Umm, it says some native people use it medicinally.”

"For what? Birth control?!!" I gulped. "If that's the false stuff, I wonder what real Hells-Hound is like?"

Flip...flip... "It's a lot like the False Hells-Hound, only it chases you. But don't worry. It's relentless, but not very fast."

Looking around wildly for stalking vegetables, I asked, "Is there anything around here that ISN'T poisonous?"

"Ah...no... Oh wait!" Patrice pointed at the ground. "That isn't."

"What? That grass?" I started to reach for it.

"Yes. That's razor vetch. It can cut you to the bone and causes a nasty infection. But see, the Native Americans used it for..."

"Medicine, yeah I got it."

The bright sunlight seemed to dim and the beautiful spring day took on an air of looming peril. I began to realize that I was surrounded by literally millions of pistil-packing faunaphobes, all no doubt recognizing me as the chief weed whacker from the previous year.

I can tell you, we hurried home after that. Patrice complained the whole way about our abbreviated amble, and I tried to avoid the vegetative menace that reached for me on all sides, eager to make me into personal compost.

At one point I was tripped by a cleverly-concealed dogwood (no doubt rabid) and fell screaming into churning field of white destruction.

"Run Patrice! Save yourself! I'm a goner!"

"Oh you big baby." she replied, "Get up. They're only daisies."

"Daisies, huh?" That didn't seem too bad. I joyfully gathered a handful together, delighted to find a plant that apparently didn't want my demise.

"Unless of course they're Death Daisies," she added.

"Death Daisies!" I hurled the bouquet away from me. "Now you're going to tell me that the Indians used Death Daisies medicinally too?"

"Of course not silly." Patrice sniffed. "Only a complete idiot would pick Death Daisies."

So now I'm sitting here in my house with the lights out, the curtains drawn and clutching a spray bottle of extra strength herbicide.

I am so ready for winter.

Chuckle du jour

I lifted this off the WND website.  Gave me a chuckle.
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Three men married wives from different states.

The first man married a woman from Michigan.  He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning.  It took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to see a clean house and the dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a woman from Kentucky.  He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking.  The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better.  By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a woman from New Jersey.  He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes and laundry washed, lawn mowed, and hot meals on the table for every meal.

The first day he didn't see anything, and the second day he didn't see anything either.

By the end of the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich ad load the dishwasher.

Chuckle du jour

What happens when Hallmark greeting card writers are having a bad day?
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My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat

When I looked at the tire...
I noticed your cat.

Sorry!
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Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.

But don't fret about it...
She moved in with me.
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Looking back over the years
that we've been together,

I can't help but wonder...
"What the hell was I thinking?"

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Congratulations on your wedding day!

Too bad no one likes your husband.

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How could two people as beautiful as you

Have such an ugly baby?

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I've always wanted to have
someone to hold,
someone to love.
After having met you...

I've changed my mind.

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I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.

I never believed in Hell until I met you.

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As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...

That you're not here to ruin it for me.

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Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go...

Would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You'll probably need it again.

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Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!

(Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky, and West Virginia)

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Happy birthday! You look great for your age.

Almost Lifelike!

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When we were together,
you always said you'd die for me.

Now that we've broken up,
I think it's time you kept your promise.

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We have been friends for a very long time ..
let's say we stop?

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I'm so miserable without you...

it's almost like you're here.

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Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.

Did you ever find out who the father was?

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Your friends and I wanted to do
something special for your birthday.

So we're having you put to sleep.

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So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day.

Look at the bright side,
it's really good pay!

Joke du jour

I want to emphasize that our pastor sent this to me. Our pastor.

The guy's got a great sense of humor.
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A WINTER STATISTIC:

98% of Americans say “Oh sh*t” before going in the ditch on a slippery road.

The other 2% are from Idaho, and they say “Hold my beer and watch this.”

Chuckle du jour

Someone sent this to me.

Cutest rear-end you will ever see

Okay okay, the term "rear end" wasn't in the caption when I got this pic. The term started with "a" and ended with "ss." But my daughters look at my blog every so often, and I didn't need to shock them too much...

Political correctness defined

Apparently there is an annual contest at Texas A&M University calling for the most appropriate definition of a contemporary term. When the term "political correctness" came up, the winning definition was as follows:

"Political correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end."

Amen.

Hint: the boat goes FIRST

Chuckle du jour

Pinocchio, Snow White, and Superman are out for a stroll in town one day. As they walk, they come across a sign: "Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman in the world."

"I’m entering!" said Snow White.

After half an hour she comes out and they ask her, "Well, how'd you do?"

"First Place," said Snow White.

They continue walking and they see a sign: "Contest for the strongest man in the world."

"I'm entering," says Superman.

After half an hour, he returns and they ask him, "How did you make out?"

"First Place," answers Superman. "Did you ever doubt it?"

They continue walking when they see a sign: "Contest to see who is the greatest liar in the world."

Pinocchio enters.

After half an hour he returns with tears in his eyes.

"What happened?" they asked.

"Who the hell is Nancy Pelosi?" asked Pinocchio.