It's official! I'm married again!

Today it's official! I'm married again! Ha ha, let me explain.

This is my wedding ring. It's a simple gold band with an imperial topaz bezel-set into the band.

This ring was custom-made by a jeweler friend back in 1989 when Don and I got engaged. I've always loved it, in large part because (a) it's simple; and (b) the bezel setting meant it never catches or snags on anything.

Over ten years ago (specifically, July 22, 2013), I got stung on my ring finger. It swelled up rapidly, and I had to take a fast trip to a jeweler's in a nearby town to have the ring sawn off my finger. Talk about feeling undressed without it!

Trouble is, this incident happened when our finances were prioritized elsewhere. Having the ring repaired was low on the list of things we could spend money on.

But things have stabilized for us since, and last fall I went to a local jewelry store and got a quote for how much it would cost to have the ring repaired. The resident expert looked it over carefully and said it had a number of issues besides the band sawn in half. The bezel setting was torn, the stone was loose, and the act of removing the sawn ring from my swollen finger had weakened the band. All in all, quite a complex repair job.

We got the estimate and saved our pennies, and late in December we dropped the ring off for repair.

For four months – four months! – the jeweler worked on the ring. Apparently it was a lot more complicated than he anticipated, once he dove into the nitty gritty. He was facing "porocity" problems. The ring had gas pockets from things being too hot or dirty during the original casting. The area around the bezel top kept collapsing like a sponge, and he had to back-fill the area before putting the bezel back on. Or something like that. (I'm not a jeweler, so I might have the details wrong.)

It was such a complicated repair, in fact, that the jeweler would get discouraged, drop the project for a week or two, then pick it up again, only to get discouraged all over. Rinse and repeat.

But finally, finally, we got the call that my ring was done. Don picked it up and was delighted to learn that the jeweler stuck to the original estimate, even though the price of gold has skyrocketed since then AND he spent weeks and weeks on the detailed work necessary to rebuild the ring.

The bezel is a touch higher than its former incarnation, but the ring feels solid and secure. The glint on my finger keeps catching my eye and I've been grinning like an idiot.

Finally, after ten years, it's official. I'm married again!

A diamond in the rough

One Sunday after church, Don and I stopped at the grocery store in town to pick up a couple of items. As he got out of the car, something on the ground caught his eye. He bent down to pick it up. "Here's a diamond for my honey," he said, and handed me ... a diamond.

I'm no expert on gemstones, but I'm guessing maybe 10 carats in size?

I chuckled at the thought of finding someone's lost glass or cubic zirconia gemstone ending up in the parking lot of a small-town grocery story. I tucked the diamond in my purse without much thought.

Much later, Don asked to see the diamond. He found a source online to determine the difference between glass or CZ vs. a real diamond. On the remote possibility this truly was a 10-carot diamond found in the parking lot of a small-town grocery store (hey, stranger things have happened), we would of course make a sincere effort to reunite it with its owner.

Of the many possible tests to determine a real vs. fake diamond, we used two. One is called the "Read-Through Effect": 

"To test the diamond’s refractivity, gently place the stone flat side down onto a page of newspaper in an area with lots of lettering. Ensure the lighting is bright and that no objects or people are casting a shadow on the diamond.

"If you’re able to read the letters of the newspaper – even if the letters are a bit blurry – the diamond is fake. If the diamond is real, its facets will refract the light in different directions, rather than in a straight line. Because of this refraction of light, you won’t be able to see clearly through the diamond and make out the letters on the paper."

So we put a newspaper down on a table, and put the diamond flat-side down over the newsprint. Yep, easy to see the lettering through it.

The other test we used is called the Dot Test:

"Place a white piece of paper on a flat surface and draw a small dot with a pen. Lay the stone onto the dot with the flat side down. Through the pointed end of the diamond, look down onto the paper. If you see a circular reflection inside the gemstone, the stone is fake. If you cannot see the dot or a reflection in the stone, then the diamond is real.

"Because a true diamond has powerful refractive qualities, light will bounce in different directions instead of a straight line. This is why you won’t be able to see letters or dots through a natural, real diamond."

So we drew a black dot on a white piece of paper...

...and put the diamond flat-side down over it.

Perfect circle. Yep, fake diamond.

I'm sincerely glad someone didn't lose a real diamond, and I also sincerely hope no one applies these tests to their own diamond jewelry and learns they were snookered.

Why me?

This week I received in the mail a catalog so comically at odds with my interests, lifestyle, and financial status that it makes me wonder why I received it at all. Why me? Why not the wife of some powerful business magnate? How on earth did I get on their mailing list?

Titled "An Afternoon at Gump's; or, the Expedient Excursion," it featured a selection of jewelry and high-end gewgaws arranged in a loosely poetic alphabet theme (i.e. "A is for amethyst hostessing pieces; B is for ballerinas for each of her nieces") as told by a (presumably rich) shopper named Ann. For those of you unfamiliar with the store's name because you live on a modest homestead deep in the country, Gump's is "a luxury American home furnishings and home décor retailer" out of San Francisco. Now you know.

Well, seldom has a catalog offered more slapstick humor than this. While I sat at the kitchen table and shelled beans, Don leafed through the pages and read out loud select offerings. We laughed until we cried.

This is "Ann."

Notice the golden bangle on her wrist. For those of us who are rubes, it's a Loren Nicole "Horus Will be King" Repoussé cuff, handcrafted, 22-karat yellow gold, for a trifling $40,000.

It's also butt-ugly.

"Ann" begins her shopping as follows: "Ann had a Christmas list, daunting at best. Fortunately she was famously blessed. With an uncanny knack for the charmingly apt, treasures worth cherishing, perfectly wrapped." (Note to Gump's: Ann could use a few lessons in poetic composition.)

Consider a few treasures Ann found:

Under "B" (for "ballerinas for each of her nieces"), we find "Mints and Mills Nutcracker mice." Don't you think these look like they were assembled by kindergartners?

And they can be yours for only $995. That's apiece, of course.

How about this elegant silver vase? (You'd better pronounce that "vaz" not "vace," you cretin.) This is for mumsy. ("E is for elegant vase for her mother...")

This will only set you back $6,000. But isn't mumsy worth it?

Next, Ann buys what looks like glass beads for her friend Jean ("H is for hand-hammered necklace for Jean..."). Jean must be a good friend to Ann, since this Lilly Fitzgerald tanzanite necklace with mother-of-pearl and 22-karat yellow gold is a hefty $24,500. But honestly, doesn't it look like glass beads?

Here's another "vaz." For this pile of white dog doo-doo (Don's description, not mine), Ann only has to fork over $1950. A bargain.

But let's not forget poor Ann, who has exhausted herself shopping for loved ones. Fortunately, "As a reward for Ann's skill as an elf, a rare yellow diamond she'll get for herself."

This bit of glitter is a frugal $140,000. Can you see me wearing this while weeding the garden or mucking out the barn?

Tallied up, every gewgaw in this catalog came to a grand total of $602,841. If I followed the same shopping habits as Ann, I could either buy a generous farm with a large home and all kinds of infrastructure, or I could buy a handful of jewelry and silver vases. Hmmm, decisions decisions.....

But I'm very glad Gump's sent me this catalog, since we certainly enjoyed it.

I do have one thing in common with Ann, though. I, too, am "famously blessed."