Country Living Series

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

New definitions

The Washington Post's ‘Mensa Invitational’ once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are the 2009 winners (I had to delete some that were a little too spicy for my girls to see):

• Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
• Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an ***.
• Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
• Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
• Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
• Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
• Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
• Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
• Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
• Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
• Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
• Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
• Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
• Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. And the winners are:

• Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.
• Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
• Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
• Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.
• Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.
• Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.
• Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.
• Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.
• Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
• Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.
• Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.
• Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
• Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.
• Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
• Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
• Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of jockey shorts worn by Jewish men.

10 comments:

  1. I love all of these! Some people are very clever, just like your Older Daughter and her definition of "ostracize."

    Anonymous Patriot
    USA

    ReplyDelete
  2. Oh my gosh that gave me a laugh! Thanks for the great post!

    ReplyDelete
  3. These are funny and could be so true. Thanks for sharing.

    ReplyDelete
  4. These are definite ROFLers!

    Bill Smith

    ReplyDelete
  5. i have a niece who since she first started talking does this sorta thing. her granny started writing everything down in a journal and calls these "katyisms".

    ReplyDelete
  6. Sillynanny,n. What the government is to a scared and weak minded person.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Monstrosity - a decaying urban area, like Detroit

    Television - the inability to see outside of the box


    Anonymous Patriot
    USA

    ReplyDelete
  8. I've only read halfway through, and already I feel the need for a whiff or two of oxygen. Thank you so much for this, you have no idea how much I needed it today.

    Birdy

    ReplyDelete
  9. • Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

    I got a kick out of this one. It took me a second, but it's a reference to Sally Falon's Nourishing Traditions and whole foods campaign.

    They were a very enjoyable read. I love that kind of thing.

    Gracie Wray

    ReplyDelete
  10. I shared these with my husband and we both laughed our heads off. My favorite one was Pokemon. Hillarious! Good to laugh in this cold weather!

    ReplyDelete