Country Living Series

Saturday, January 22, 2011

A little southern humor

A reader sent this.

How to Install a Southern Home Security System

1. Go to a secondhand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots.

2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo Magazine.

3. Put four giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.

4. Leave a note on your door that reads:

Bertha, Duke, Slim, & I went for more ammo and beer. Be back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls; they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up bad. I don't think Killer took part, but it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside. Be right back.
- Cooter


  1. Security in a midwest home is slightly different. A lite sleeping loner like myself would probably greet an intruder with an aluminum baseball bat across his arms or head. Every thing is a toss up when people come to your door with bad intent. I am armed of course but when things happen fast you have to make a quick decision.

  2. This is assuming the would be intruders can actually grasp enough of the English language to peruse the sign. Around here, the thieves are so dumb they get electrocuted on a regular basis trying to steal copper from inside 6’ high security fences with huge orange and white signs that read "Danger High Voltage!"

  3. It has worked for years.

    Bubba Terry

  4. Southern Home Security System Update 2.0

    For the 'Deluxe' System:

    5. Scatter EMPTY 12 gauge, 30-06, .44, .357, etc. shells around on the porch.

    Southern Home Security System Update 3.0

    For the 'Super-Deluxe' System:

    6. Scatter LOTS of empty brass around the yard, driveway, walk, etc. The placement of items with bullet holes( i.e., drums, out-buildings, mail box, cars on blocks, dog houses, etc. ) in yard & along drive, optional, but enhances said system. This version also adds an audio Dusk-to-Dawn feature, for when it's too dark for the Standard System to work. As a plus , tinkling brass underfoot speaks a variety of languages ( in case they no-speaka english ).

    Southern Home Security System Update 4.0

    For the Mega-Supar-Deluxe System:
    ( AKA the "WHOA-MOMMA" )

    7. Add a sound-of-tinkling-brass-sensor which, when activated, will play the ( included ) amplified, sound-of-a-12-gauge-pump-being-worked audio recording. !!!!WARNING!!!!: while the recorded audio portion of this system speaks a language that covers most known human ( & some animal ) dialects ( and to avoid any mis-understandings), it is HIGHLY recommended that you imform your trusted friends & neighbors BEFORE activating the audio portion of the "WHOA-MOMMA". YOU WILL BE GLAD YOU DID ( not to mention the ones you tell )!

    ( Modern electronics shore do make it easy for us Red-Necks, Hee Hee.)

    AlaRedNeck & Mrs Neck

    P.S.--Mrs Neck's name being here DOES NOT mean she endorses the upgraded system options!

  5. Ya'll forgot the size XXL bib overalls hanging on the line,the case of empty beer cans scattered in the yard and a couple of animal skulls on the gate fence posts.
    You can increase your security profile at night by putting some paper targets on the front gate with a sign saying "Please pin one on if you are entering uninvited".
    Yes, I know some folks that actually did the target thing.Needless to say, they never got solicitors at their door! Except for the kid selling Girl Scout cookies...those little girls are tough and determined!

  6. AlaRedNeck, we call the Fla. Panhandle LA - Lower Alabama.

    My dad really did call me Bubba long ago. I miss him.

    Bubba Terry

    PS I have been told that the folks in Oklahoma call Texas Baha Oklahoma. THAT gets them going!

  7. Ahh, the Girl Scouts. I have dealt with them time and again. Now I just tell them I'm diabetic. Someday soon I may ask them (and the adult that comes with them) What do you have against Christianity? They are VERY nonconbative.

  8. OOPS

    Baja, not Baha. I know better.

    Senor Bubba Terry

  9. Now look what is happening. We got a Texan(don't try to fool me) going after a sassy Okie. You boys have to put your state pride off to the side because if Obama and his crowd gets his way we will ALL burn together. You are both doing fine.

  10. Long time ago, in another lifetime, our doorbell was adapted to make the sound of a shotgun loading another round into the chamber....magnified, plus a speaker above the door.....The technology today, it'd be easy to modify the top stair or a part of the porch to trigger (no pun intended LOL) the noise, for those visitors who don't use doorbells......

    Even the most language challenged people always get the idea of sound......

  11. Now for the California version (I can say these things because I am a native of CA):

    There is a grapevine wreath on the front door with a peace symbol and clipped to it with a buttlefly hairpin is a note saying -

    Tiffany & Brittany, Rolf & Jose,
    We have gone for the day to the Harmony Festival. Please go on in and make yourselves comfortable. We ask that you remove your shoes and all sharp objects from your pockets and purses, including pens and pencils. We are a non-pointy-object household and hope you will honor our commitment to nonviolence.

    There are some tofu cookies in the cupboard, and vegan patties in the frig if you want to broil some on the Jenn-Air. Feel free to sample some of our Chateau Napa Merlot, especially bottled for us. Please remember to recycle the bottle in our undercabinet recycle bin.

    Miss Rosie O'Donnell, our Bishon-Frise, is not feeling well so make as little noise as possible. Thanks.

    If you get tired of waiting for us, go ahead and use the futons, we can always sleep on our Pilates mats. Our Prius is so quiet that we may arrive and you'll never hear us coming.

    If you leave, just pull the door closed. We NEVER have any problems in our neighborhood. This isn't Texas, thank gawd.

    May the goddess smile on you.

    Blessings, Arnold & Maria

    Anonymous Patriot

  12. Gotta agree with Diane in TX was going to post that same sentiment but she beat me to it. (I guess great minds DO think alike) and as usual your post nanonymous patriot was responsible for another monitor bat. I have to learn to not drink when reading your posts.


  13. Years ago, back when I was an adult, I flew into Wichita on business. On the cab ride into town -- or going somewhere on that trip -- we crossed a bridge over a river. The sign on it announced that it was the Arkasas River.

    I piped up, and said something like, "Ah! The Arkansas River!"

    The driver pulled over, stopped the cab, turned around in his seat, and said:

    "WE like to call it the Ar-KAN-sas River."

    "Uh, Right, uh, I mean, GOT it.....Ar-KAN-sas..."

    Bill Smith

  14. Also at some time in the distant past, I was a (very YOUNG) Deputy Sheriff in VT. I had occasion to stop at a house, and while talking with the owner, saw a pretty large dog door in the side of the house. BIG door.

    Seizing the opportunity to do a little bit of Home Security Education, I asked the owner of there were any way to lock that dog door.

    Seeing where I was headed with that question, the owner, a man old enough to be my father, said, "Son, if you were a burglar, would YOU stick YOUR head through that door?

    **Pausing to stare stupidly at door**

    "No, I don't guess I would."

    Of course, those were different times. Now we have a whole different class of scum, and they'd probably just shoot the dog.

    Bill Smith

  15. Glad I wasn't drinking anything hot while reading this post.... it would have been all over me and the computer screen.
    Thanks for the laugh

  16. Ha! I usually chuckle on my way to bed about robbers getting past matchbox cars, crayons and legos.
    Thanks for the laugh,