Watch out for baby humans

No photos, sorry, so you'll have to use your imagination.

Our pastor and his wife dropped in for a visit the other day. We're always happy to see them, and their two-year-old son "G" is a joy to be around.

But, being a toddler, G got restless with all the adult conversation, so after a while Mrs. Pastor and I took him outside to show him the cows. We figured he'd be fascinated by the bovines since he's never seen any such animals up close before.

I forgot to consider, however, that the cows had never seen a baby human up close before, either.

I mean seriously, none of them had ever seen a child, much less a toddler. They stared at G, enraptured.

I hitched G up on to my hip and carried him through the gate to where all three animals were staring at him intensely. G was quiet and very well-behaved, but it made no difference to the cows. If we tried walking up to one of them, they dodged away.

Even our steer, Romeo, backed up stiff-legged when I tried to get G close enough to pet him. Maggie scooted away when we got too close. These are animals, you understand, who are always up for a pat on the rump or a scratch on the chin. Not this time.

Watch out for those baby humans. They can be scary, apparently.

As it turned out, G was far more fascinated by the tractor rather than the cows. He climbed right up into the seat and spent the next twenty minutes vroom-vrooming over the steering wheel. He's all boy, that kid.

Wow! Eighteen BILLION!!

I received an email the other day as follows, with the subject line "Are you still alive? Please reply":

Headquarters: Valley National Bank
Address: 1455 Valley Rd, Wayne, New Jersey, United States
Phone: +1 (973) 223 6098

Congratulations! This is the third email I am sending to you. You have been randomly selected to receive US18,400,000,000 and the latest Tesla Cyber Truck from the ongoing Elon Musk raffle draw. Many people around the world have benefited from this raffle. This bank has been entrusted by Elon Musk to process and deliver your winnings to you, therefore, don't sleep on this opportunity.

Kindly provide the following information to proceed:

- Full Name
- Residential Address
- Contact Number
- Email Address
- Occupation
- Date of Birth
- ID or Driver’s License

As of March 2026, Elon Musk, the CEO and owner of Tesla, SpaceX, and Twitter, is the richest person in the world, with a net worth frequently exceeding US600–800 billion. He leads billionaires like Larry Page and Bernard Arnault by a significant margin. According to scripture, blessings are given not to encourage greed but to empower us to help others kindly and generously. Those who give with a joyful heart receive even greater blessings.

Additionally, please confirm if you have authorised Mr. Gordon Williams, an attorney claiming to be your close friend, to pay the US500.00 fee for paperwork, shipping, and customs clearance. He also claims you gave him the power of attorney to receive delivery of this money and the Tesla Cyber truck to his address.

Please respond promptly to clarify this matter.

Mr. Ira D. Robbins
CEO and President
Valley National Bank

Golly. I'd better not "sleep on this opportunity"! Think what kind of farm we could buy with this kind of money! Think how much this "blessing" would "empower" us to "help others kindly and generously"! Think how stylish we would look, driving around our dirt roads in a Tesla cyber truck! Elon Musk is certainly generous to bestow $18 billion on "randomly selected" plebeians like myself.

Pass.

Yeah, Jenny

As most long-time readers know, I don't care for fashion. I have zero interest in clothes, and in fact suffer from severe clothing blindness.

But once upon a time, back in about 1986, I got a manicure. At the time, I was working as a legal secretary in a law firm in downtown Sacramento, and manicures were both common and (to some extent) expected among the upwardly mobile class, which I fancied myself to be back then. So I got a manicure.

I remember it cost $10, and I gave the nice manicurist a $5 tip. The results were okay, I guess, but I distinctly remember thinking, "Well, that was a waste of money." I've never gotten a manicure since.

Now, of course, manicures are pointless when living a homesteading lifestyle. Can you imagine milking a cow with fancy nails?

This little anecdote is by way of introducing a post I saw from a woman named Jenny who was apparently unable to grasp why any woman would not want a manicure. She wanted to know the reasons why.

Well, I must say poor Jenny got a huge response. She heard from loads of women in a wide variety of careers, chiming in with their reasons why they don't get manicures. Among them:

• "Because I work in the operating room and it's against policy, Jenny."

• "Because I'd rather spend my money traveling, Jenny."

• (From a logger) "Can't find a shade to match my chainsaw, Jenny."

• "I can't crochet at normal speed if my nails are done, Jenny."

• "Because I'm a heavy-duty mechanic, Jenny."

• (From a mother of baby twins) "Because I'm  tired, Jenny."

• "Because I'm a freaking surgeon, Jenny."

• (From an airline pilot) "Because I press buttons for a living, Jenny."

• (From a wildlife biologist) "Bears don't seem to care, Jenny."

• (From a musician) "Because then I wouldn't be able to press the strings on my cello, Jenny."

• "Because I’m an archaeologist, Jenny."

• "Because I conduct cancer research as a PhD candidate, Jenny, and wearing long nails gets in the way of the lab experiments."

• "Because I'm an EMS, Jenny."

• "Because I'm a paratrooper, Jenny."

• (From a construction worker) "Because power tools are more fun, Jenny."

• "Because I'm a cultural heritage conservator, Jenny."

• "Because I'm an electrician, Jenny."

• "Because I'm a landscaper, Jenny."

• "Because I'm a registered veterinary technician, Jenny."

• (From a doctor) "Too busy saving lives, Jenny."

• (From an MMA fighter) "Too busy hitting people, Jenny."

• "Because I'm a pediatric nurse and long nails are against policy. Might hurt the kids and they're not hygienic, Jenny."

• "Because I'm a goldsmith, Jenny."

• (From a pediatric dentist) "Because I take care of tiny teeth, Jenny."

• "Because I work in trauma surgery, Jenny."

• "Because I am a busy plumbing field technician, Jenny."

• "Because I'm a freediver, Jenny. Nails make putting on a wetsuit way too difficult."

• "Because I'm a mineral processing engineer, Jenny."

• "Because I'm an offshore mechanical tech, Jenny."

• "Because I'm a potter. People don't like it when their mugs leak, Jenny."

• "Because I'm a marine and environmental scientist, Jenny."

• (From a dentist) "Because I work in patients' mouths, Jenny."

• (From a chef) "I'm sure you wouldn't appreciate finding a press-on nail in your food, Jenny."

• "Because I ride and race dirt bikes, Jenny."

• "Because I'm an auto electrician, Jenny."

• "Because I just spent my money buying a house, Jenny."

• "Because I'm a geologist, Jenny."

• (From a doctor) "Because I'm not popping holes in my gloves, Jenny."

• "Because I'm a professional football player, Jenny."

• "Because I'm a hair dresser, Jenny."

• (From a mechanic) "Because I have a show car to wrench on, Jenny."

• (From a devout Muslim woman) "Because I'd rather spend my money on umrah, Jenny."

• (From a welder) "Because the arc will break my nails, Jenny."

• "Because I am a diving instructor, Jenny. Salt water and nails don't get along."

• (From a competitive skier) "Because I'm ratcheting down my bindings on the mountain, Jenny."

• (From a forester) "Because I'm busy planting trees for research, Jenny."

• "Because I'm in martial arts, Jenny."

• "Because I am a cosmetic formulator, Jenny."

And, perhaps the most blunt and truthful reason from a rock climber:

• "Because there's no point, and honestly think it's a waste of money, Jenny."

I didn't see "Because I milk cows, Jenny" in the list ... but it's as good a reason as any.

So there, Jenny.

Not on speaking terms ... with AI

As you can imagine, the rise of artificial intelligence (AI) is on everyone's mind, particularly those whose jobs or livelihoods are threatened by the new technology. As a writer, I'm grateful I've carved my niche with both my fiction and nonfiction editors before AI became a threat. (That said, I have yet to meet an editor who even remotely wants or encourages AI submissions.)

Recently, while lurking on a writer's forum, the discussion turned to using AI as an aid in generating cover art. One woman, seeking a prototype for a western-themed romance cover, wrote the following, which had the whole forum cracking up (and proved this woman can write!).

She started by giving the AI some prompts, and it went downhill from there:

"I tried AI to do scene suggestions. I prompted it to give me two people, a man and a woman, on a horse fleeing through the wilderness. I got two horses. I politely said they needed to be on the same horse. This time it was two horses with riders fleeing a fire. I, more firmly, said they needed to be riding the same horse. I got two horses with the riders using English saddles. I refrained from calling AI an idiot and went back through the list. I finally got two riders on the same horse. But they were missing legs. With gritted teeth, I said 'TWO PEOPLE, A MAN AND A WOMAN, ON A SINGLE HORSE, WESTERN SADDLE, EACH HUMAN HAVING TWO LEGS, FLEEING THROUGH THE WILDERNESS, NOT RUNNING FROM A FIRE.' I got one horse, one rider, no bridle, and a fire.

I'm currently not speaking to AI."

Join the club, honey.

Checking sheep

A friend was describing her activities with their flock of sheep, including milking them. For some reason, her email sparked a memory which, for years, I ranked among my most embarrassing moments.

Let's go back to 1983. I spent an extraordinary summer working at Wolf Park outside of West Lafayette, Indiana. In addition to wolf research and breeding, the facility was something of a farm as well, with bison, sheep, horses, etc.

I was an ignorant little suburban-bred college student trying my best to learn rural ways, and the whole summer at Wolf Park was absolutely stinkin' wonderful.

One day one of the senior volunteer administrators asked me to go check on a flock of (hornless) sheep that were close to lambing. I asked what I had to do. She said to lift the tails of a few of the ewes and note if the vulva was swollen or not. If it was, lambing was close.

So I took myself off to the sheep pen, looked for the animals with udders, lifted their tails, and didn't see anything unusual. I reported back to the administrator that nope, it didn't look like they were anywhere close to lambing.

The next day lambs were popping out everywhere. Somewhat exasperated, the administrator asked me what happened. "I don't know," I protested. "I looked for all the animals with udders and lifted their tails, and didn't see anything unusual."

Enlightenment dawned on the administrator's face. She asked me to describe the udders I was looking at. When I did, she burst out laughing. And I mean she howled with laughter, clutching her side with mirth.

Finally she gasped out, "Those weren't ewes. You were lifting the tails of the rams."

After a few baffled moments, it dawned on innocent 20-year-old me just what part of the sheep's anatomy I had assumed was an udder. Cue the embarrassment.

The administrator's eyes twinkled. "Why do you think rams have such big egos?" she asked.

It took me the rest of the summer to live that one down.

It's "Very Important"

Don received this spam email which made us both laugh:

Hello,

 

My apologies for this unsolicited approach. I would like to discuss something very important regarding your last name, is it possible we can discuss it here?

 

Your swift response will be appreciated

 

Kind Regards

Eddy

Wow! Eddy wants to discuss something very important regarding the highly uncommon surname "Lewis." What could it be? (insert "thinking cap" emoji)

Evolution of Dance

This guy is a SCREAM!

I stumbled across this mystery man a few days ago. I have no idea who he is, but WOW is he talented. Watch and enjoy:

Veterinary complaints

Along the same lines as the random humor post I put up earlier, you might get a chuckle out of this sign I saw in our local veterinarian's office last week:

Hard to argue...

A collection of random humor

I keep three "running lists" in draft form on this blog: Interesting things, book-themed things, and things that tickle my funny bone. Basically every time I come across something interesting – or book-related or funny – I just add it to the appropriate file. I've published the first of my "interesting things" lists (here) and I've published a couple of the book-themed lists (here and here). But so far I haven't published any of the humorous things, and the list is growing very long indeed.

So, without further ado and in no particular order, here are a bunch of random humorous things I've come across in the last couple of years.

_______________________________________ 

 

God's pronouns

As someone who lives an all-cash lifestyle, I approve of this message:

Nerd joke:

It must be a trial to be a pharmacist:

Yup, I understand this:

Who can sympathize?

Prank or not, the wife still shops too much:

Peekaboo.

I believe the term is "petty revenge." I'll admit I laughed.

Map of every American city.

Introvert advice:

More introvert advice:

History could have been so different:

How's the weather?

I felt this in my soul (see here):

Modern women, too:

Mom's last laugh:

Brilliant.

Science prank:

"All jeans 90 percent off!"

We've all had days like this.

Women will wince in sympathy:

Anyone living in a northern location:

Nerd humor:

Men staring into the dark abyss of Valentine's Day cards:

Neighborly dispute:

Truth:

Ridiculously photoshopped click-bait snake ad:

and

The pure randomness of this:

It takes a few seconds to sink in...

Eww. Just...eww.

Impressive.

Haven't we all had days like this?

Helpful moving tips:

Can attest...

Well designed.

Yup.

I hate it when that happens...

Evil, but funny.

Nerd meets farmer humor:

Same with writing....

Accurate.

...Says every cat-owner everywhere...

A little spicy, but it made me laugh.

THAT meme.

Photobombed.

Did it work?

Art reflects life.

Any questions?

Accidental Renaissance.

Someone was prepared.

Applies to dogs, too.

Nerd humor.

Well, *I'd* buy it....

More art reflects life.

Dad joke.

Aviation humor.

This is me.

How to get the whole cake for yourself.

Bad day at work. This took me a couple of minutes.

Motherhood.

Modern art.

Clear as mud.

How many customers choose the fourth option?

Accurate.

A wedding photo for the ages.

A little clarity....

I see myself in this picture...

Been there, done that.

Yep.

Coming as I do from a family of engineers....

A.I.?

Disturbing...

I hope he used them...

Accurate.

The agony and the tragedy of the favorite nesting box.

Max level.

Beating the stereotype.

True.

Except after sea/see...

Arsenic and Old Lace

Guy gets kicked in the privates. This is every other guy within a 5-mile radius:

I'll admit, I chuckled.

Punctuation matters.

At least she found them...

Visuals help.

How it started ... How it's going...

I sympathize.

It's all in how you say it.

Perspective.

Seems that way.

I'm impressed.

Turning over in their graves...

Feline fun.

Know your geography.

Can't argue.

This assumes they can read.

Brilliant.

That's only about half the humor stuff I've collected, but it's enough for now. I'll post the rest at a later time. Hope you enjoyed the chuckles!