Saturday, January 29, 2011

Equal opportunity spoofing

Here's a piece written by a fellow named Clive Runnels with The Manitoba Herald.

Canadians: “Build a Damn Fence!"
From The Manitoba Herald, Canada; reported by Clive Runnels

The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada has intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased patrols to stop the illegal immigration. The recent actions of the Tea Party are prompting an exodus among left-leaning citizens who fear they'll soon be required to hunt, pray, and to agree with Bill O'Reilly and Glenn Beck.

Canadian border farmers say it's not uncommon to see dozens of sociology professors, animal-rights activists and Unitarians crossing their fields at night. "I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn," said Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield, whose acreage borders North Dakota. The producer was cold, exhausted and hungry.

"He asked me if I could spare a latte and some free-range chicken. When I said I didn't have any, he left before I even got a chance to show him my screenplay, eh?"

In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher fences, but the liberals scaled them. He then installed loudspeakers that blared Rush Limbaugh across the fields. "Not real effective," he said. "The liberals still got through and Rush annoyed the cows so much that they wouldn't give any milk."

Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals near the Canadian border, pack them into Volvo station wagons and drive them across the border where they are simply left to fend for themselves. "A lot of these people are not prepared for our rugged conditions," an Ontario border patrolman said. "I found one carload without a single bottle of imported drinking water. They did have a nice little Napa Valley Cabernet, though."

When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border, often wailing loudly that they fear retribution from conservatives.

Rumors have been circulating about plans being made to build re-education camps where liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer and watch NASCAR races.

In recent days, liberals have turned to ingenious ways of crossing the border. Some have been disguised as senior citizens taking a bus trip to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After catching a half-dozen young vegans in powdered wig disguises, Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed senior citizens about Perry Como and Rosemary Clooney to prove that they were alive in the '50s. "If they can't identify the accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show, we become very suspicious about their age," an official said.

Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are creating an organic-broccoli shortage and are renting all the Michael Moore movies.

"I really feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can't support them," an Ottawa resident said. "How many art-history majors does one country need?"

The interesting thing about this opinion piece is it's a total fabrication. The Manitoba Herald was a short-lived publication that went out of business in 1877, and Clive Runnells doesn't exist. Nonetheless, this piece has gone viral (with good reason).

Enjoy the chuckle.


  1. It would be funny except for the increasing violence along our southern border. It would be funny except for the fact that Canada embraced American draft dodgers during the Vietnam War and those draft dodgers were almost entirely liberals who now influence Canada as much as they do America today. It would be funny except for the fact that Canada is protected by American military in Alaska and the northern US states and therefore Canada doesn't need to spend a huge portion of its budget on defense.

    It's always fun to poke fun at America. But as an American, I see trouble on the horizon from many fronts, and the southern border problems are no laughing matter. They are real. They are deadly. And they can laugh in Canada all they want until their own country suffers a terror attack. Then they'll ask for our help and we'll give it to them. That's what we do, despite being laughed at.

    Canada is going through the same difficulties we are, only on a much smaller scale because it's a much smaller population. They are split between conservative ideology and progressive ideology, as we are. They have a few provinces that are "red states" so to speak, with coastal provinces that are similar to our "blue states." It's not a joke, Western civilization is fighting for its survival and we're losiing.

    Although the piece was cleverly written, the theme is no laughing matter. But, hey, laugh at America because that's always safe to do. And when somebody needs help, call out to America because that's also always safe to do.


    The humorless Anonymous Patriot

  2. I hear you, Anonymous Patriot!!

    My take:

    "The liberals still got through and Rush annoyed the cows so much that they wouldn't give any milk."

    This is a typical Liberal misunderstanding of the common-sense reaction to Rush. What we are actually seeing here is that, having heard good Conservative Economic sense for the first time, the Cows are no longer willing to give away all of their product, nor will they let it be taken from them by force!

    Bill Smith

  3. Bill, thanks for the different perspective. I like your "take" on it. :)


  4. Any American with a thinning poney tail should be pulled aside immediately. Any American who claims to be from CA should be pulled aside also. Oh what the heck, any American over 45 years of age should be pulled over and carefully scrutinized. HAH !