Couples do WHAT??

I saw an astounding statistic this week: "Couples bicker an average of 2,455 times a year."

What?? That's 6.7 times per day. This is "average"? I think Don and I bicker maybe once or twice per year. Maybe.

As it turns out, this claim dates back to a survey among British couples conducted in 2011. I wasn't able to find the original survey. Whether the statistic is still considered accurate or not is undetermined.

According to this summary of the survey, the main causes of bickering among couples is as follows:

• Not listening – 112 fights a year
• Overspending – 109
• Money – 108
• Laziness – 105
• Snoring – 102
• Bills – 98
• What to eat for dinner – 92
• Driving too fast – 91
• Walking past things that need to go upstairs – 90
• Dirty house – 90
• What to watch on television – 89
• Disciplining the children – 88
• Dirty clothes left around the house – 88
• When to have sex – 87
• Taking each other for granted – 84
• Children's bedtime – 83
• Getting home late from work – 82
• Not taking washing out  – 82
• Getting in the way in the kitchen – 82
• Treading mud into the house – 80
• Spoiling the children – 79
• Who should cook the evening meal – 79
• Swearing in front of the children – 79
• Not closing cupboard doors – 79
• Parking the car – 77
• Not answering your phone – 76
• Failing to say please/thank you – 75
• Not saying 'I love you' – 69

Phew. Reviewing this list makes me wonder if these couples even like each other. Who bickers over every little thing? I mean really ... arguing 69 times per year about not saying "I love you" frequently enough? Really?

Reading a few of the comments that followed this article (largely, it must be admitted, from those who deny bickering that frequently or who say the survey is "a load of rubbish"), this one jumped out: "I am sure lots of people have great relationships and argue rarely. However having read all the comments on this post, I find it amazing how many people are in denial and claim they have only had five arguments in five years. etc. People in good relationships argue, it is par for the course. As someone said, if you bottle it up you only later on explode and end up almost killing an innocent person who has nothing to do with your domestic issues while you are driving a car, at a party, a family gathering and in the workplace. Come on people, stop playing the perfect couple game and try to be a little bit sincere and honest, you will feel better for it."

Okay, I'm being sincere and honest: Don and I maybe bicker once or twice a year. Maybe. I don't think either of us would want to stick it out for 35+ years if we argued constantly. Are we normal or unusual? I don't know.

(Bonus comment from another person I'm posting simply because it's so beautifully and colorfully British: "Men 'don't listen' because most wives talk incessant twaddle in such biblical quantity that we simply turn our ears off.")

So ... how often do you bicker with your partner? Is this survey "twaddle" or is it accurate?

A truthful meme

When Don and I had been married about three years – this would have been 1993 or so – I was introduced to a young woman who happened to mention she was engaged.  "Oh!" I exclaimed. "You're going to love being married! It's the best kept secret in the world!"

She looked startled, then relieved. "You have no idea how happy I am to hear that," she confessed. "Everyone's been telling me how terrible it would be, how I'd start to resent the old ball and chain."

(For the record, it drives me nuts when people tell this kind of stuff to a bride.)

Fast-forward to yesterday, when I saw this meme (pardon the language):

Don and I are coming up on our 35th wedding anniversary this year, and I still think marriage is the best-kept secret in the world. After all, there's a whole other person in our house, and he loves me. How cool is that?

Pastor's boy

Many of you have followed the saga of our pastor's love story. (For recaps, see here, here, here, and here.) Their son was born mid-January or so. Mrs. Pastor needed a C-section, but that was the only complication. The baby is healthy, the nursing is going great, and Mrs. Pastor has had absolutely no post-partum depression. The new parents are adjusting to their responsibilities beautifully. (And they chose a lovely and classic name for their son, too.)

Because of the C-section, Mrs. Pastor was advised against a lot of physical activities for a few weeks, including carrying the baby in his carrier. This limited her ability to attend church. But last week, she was able to attend for the first time. Pastor asked me to sit in back with her in case she needed any assistance, which I was glad to do.

Any excuse to see the baby!

Even though he was a big baby (hence the C-section), even at a bit over a month old, he's so tiny! I forgot how small newborns are.

This child is in good hands.

Baby shower

Some of you have been following the saga of our pastor's love life. (See these posts – one, two, and three – for the full story.) Mrs. Pastor is less than two weeks from having their first baby (a boy), and – as I like to joke – this is the most-anticipated baby in town.

Someone arranged a baby shower for Mrs. Pastor a couple weeks ago. In expectation of this event, I ordered what was, to me, the most useful reference book in the history of reference books for new parents. Appropriately named "The Baby Book," it was my bible as a new mother. It's never gone out of print, and has been revised and updated through the years. I was pleased to give a copy to Mrs. Pastor.

I wrapped it up for the baby shower.

The shower was held in the church basement and was well-attended.

Mrs. Pastor received many useful gifts, including some books.

As anticipated, she was given a lot of adorable baby clothes, including – comically – no fewer than about sixty onesies. Maybe more.

In addition to "The Baby Book," we also wanted to get Mrs. Pastor a ring sling. We had these for our girls and they were absolute life-savers. The company that made our original sling had gone out of business, so I did some research and recommended Mr. and Mrs. Pastor use a Maya Wrap. I gave Mrs. Pastor the website and urged her to choose the style and color she preferred, and this was her choice:

The sling hasn't arrived yet, but then neither has the baby. After he's born and Pastor and Mrs. Pastor get used to using the sling, we've urged them to order a second (our gift) because it's handy to have one to use and one to wash.

We may also get them a hand-crank baby-food grinder. We had this when our girls started eating solids. We – literally – never bought a single jar of commercial baby food, thanks to this little grinder.

The next step, of course, is the Big Event itself. Our poor pastor is as jumpy as any new father, with a suitcase packed and ready to go for when Mrs. Pastor goes into labor. Whee!

Gender reveal

Some of you have been following the saga of our pastor's love story. It all started a year and a half ago when he announced his engagement.

The wedding was a bit over a year ago.

In June – on Father's Day, no less – the pastor announced in somewhat stunned tones that Mrs. Pastor is expecting their first child. All the experienced members of the congregation chuckled at the dazed reaction of the soon-to-be-parents. We've all been there, right?

So today, we got additional news. Gender reveal: They're having a boy!

As the pastor put it, there was no mistaking it; the unborn baby was "loud and proud."

The newlyweds are adjusting to the notion of their impending responsibility. I, for one, think they'll be superb parents. They're both wonderful people with a tremendous amount of love to share.

Now, of course, they're tasked with deciding on a name......

Pastor: A love story (the sequel)

Back in March of 2022, I put up a post called "Pastor: A Love Story" which chronicled how our pastor met the woman who was to become his wife.

The wedding happened last September, and Mrs. Pastor has become a beloved member of the congregation. She's also a writer (unpublished) so we have a lot in common.

Last week – on Father's Day – the pastor concluded the service and then made the announcement everyone was hoping would eventually happen: He just learned he was going to be a father. The poor guy still looked a little shell-shocked at the news.

Yes, Mrs. Pastor is expecting, and we're all thrilled for them. During communion at today's service, the pastor touched his wife's abdomen and gave to his unborn child the blessing he normally gives to young children who aren't old enough to take communion. I nearly burst into tears, it was so sweet.

Both our pastor and his wife are nervous about their impending responsibilities – but hey, that's normal. (I always say there's a reason a baby takes nine months to develop; it takes that long to get used to the concept of being parents).

I've been researching ring slings (baby slings) as a gift to the soon-to-be parents. We wish our pastor and his bride every happiness as they embark on this new adventure.

This made me smile

How's this for a charming proposal?

This made me smile.

Pastor: A love story

When we first moved here to our current home, we found a church to attend in a nearby town. Solely by coincidence, the church had hired a new pastor literally the week before we showed up. In other words, we just missed his installation by one week. He came to our church all the way from Florida.

He's a fine pastor: godly, knowledgeable, compassionate. He has a ringing bell-like voice, an easy smile and laugh, and a gentle, kindly demeanor. But he has something of a handicap as a pastor, where he must often counsel married people: for a variety of reasons, he's still single at the age of 42.

Last autumn, this pastor got together with some other pastors for a regional conference. While meeting an elder from another church, our pastor introduced himself and included the initial "S" for his middle name. "The 'S' is for 'single,'" he joked to the elder.

And then the other man uttered four words that would forever change our pastor's life. "I have a daughter...."

Yes, this other man had a single 38-year-old daughter living and working in southern Idaho. Would our pastor be interested in meeting her?

And so commenced something of a long-distance romance – so long a distance, in fact, that hardly anyone in the church has met the lady. It didn't matter. As Don put it, every woman in the congregation was rooting for them. Once in a while the pastor would shyly admit things were "going in the right direction," but he didn't elaborate much beyond that.

Until today.

After the service today, the pastor – as usual – gave announcements to the congregation. After finishing up with church business, he paused on a solemn note and gave sorrowful news: He and the lady had decided to stop dating.

There was an audible gasp of dismay from everyone in the sanctuary.

Then, with a twinkle in his eye, he added: "Because we became engaged." The church erupted into cheers and applause.

I can't even begin to tell you how happy this made the congregation. Here are two lonely souls who found each other relatively late in life. From the sounds of it, neither can quite believe his or her good fortune.

The wedding is tentatively set for September. There's even talk about them trying to start a family.

We wish our pastor and his new fiancée every happiness.

How to be a jerk

While doing a bit of online research on the subject of gratitude, I came across a progressive advice column ("Dear Prudence") with an extraordinary letter as follows:

"Thanksgiving will soon be here. Each year we gather for a festive and warm time at my parents’ home with my siblings and all our spouses and children. My family are Christians who are active in the Episcopal Church. Faith is a very positive experience to us and inspires us to be good to others. My husband is an atheist. Last year, to everyone’s shock, he volunteered to give the blessing at Thanksgiving. However, instead of a prayer he took us all by surprise with a two-minute rant about 'the myth of God.' Everyone was upset, and it ruined the meal. My husband just sat there with a grin on his face and ate. This caused numerous arguments between us since. I respect his nonbelief but not his in-your-face approach.

Last night he just informed me he plans to wear a T-shirt to Thanksgiving this year with a dead frog nailed to a cross with the words 'He died for you.' Well, we had the fight to outdo all other fights. Still, he insists on wearing the T-shirt for all to see on Thanksgiving. He admits he wants to see my family 'blow a gasket.' Please give me some coaching on how to be direct with him. Frankly, Prudence, if he follows through with this childishness it may cause me to leave him."

The point is not that this woman's husband is an atheist (I know plenty of polite, civilized atheists). The point is her husband is a jerk. This is one instance where I actually have to agree with "Prudence" -- divorce the guy. There's trouble ahead.

A happy couple

We're expecting a small package from UPS. Don received an email confirmation this morning as follows:

Read the description: "UPS driver delivering a package to a happy couple."

Yowza.

To anyone who works for UPS, is this standard practice? Does UPS make cryptic notes to alert drives to, say, a vicious dog or other information of interest?

Regardless, we're flattered by the notation. A happy couple indeed.

How to hate your husband

Want to read a just plain weird Mother's Day article? Try this:

You Will Hate Your Husband After Your Kid Is Born

This is some of the strangest drivel I've read in a long time. We are informed:

On this upcoming day of celebrating mothers, here’s a cautionary note, something many mothers-to-be don’t expect when they’re expecting: If you have a husband, you will hate him when your kid is born. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Don’t be fooled by the pictures on your social media feed of your friends serenely beaming with their infants. When they’re not letting you know they’re #SoBlessed, they’re probably fighting.

(First of all, note the phrase, "IF you have a husband." Now you know the direction this is coming from.)

"Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise," says the author. Um, sweetheart, I'm here to tell you otherwise. You're treating your husband like dirt, and it's your fault.

So new parents are stressed, overtired, and having trouble adjusting to the constant demands of a seven-pound helpless human being. Um, what else did you expect when a new baby came into your formerly kid-free lives? That you'd be able to treat it like a puppy, lock it in the pantry, and go out to dinner?

The article seems to center on the shocking reality that women are much more attuned to the needs of their baby than men are ("A baby’s cry was the No. 1 sound most likely to wake a woman, it didn’t even figure into the male top ten, lagging behind car alarms and strong wind"). Again, duh. The author acts like this is something scandalous and disgraceful.

Men aren't mothers. Men don't carry the baby in utero. Men don't breastfeed the baby. Men are protectors and defenders, not nurturers. (Please don't misunderstand, I know men care for their babies; what I'm saying is, their biology is geared for defense/protection, not the sensitive nuances of infant care.)

The author of this article seems to spend a lot of time explaining why her man is scum because he's not as responsive to the immediate needs of a newborn as she is (she terms it "colossal asymmetry"), and why she decides he's nothing more than a knuckle-dragging caveman:

I thought I had married an evolved guy—one who assured me, when I was pregnant, that we would divide up the work equally. Yet right after our baby was born, we backslid into hidebound midcentury gender roles as I energetically overmet my expectations.

Sheesh, sister, suck it up. What on earth did you expect? Biology doesn't conform to feminism. Women are mothers, not men.

My advice: Get some immediate counseling for postpartum depression before you send what sounds like a very decent man fleeing into the night. Then read this article.

Okay, rant over.

Awwwww....

A young man who grew up in our church (we've known him since he was seven years old) just proposed to his girlfriend. They've been dating five years.

She said yes.

What a lovely end to 2016.

A love story: "We are a team."

In response to this past weekend's WND column on Father's Day, I received an email from a reader named Richard who told me about his marriage. Folks, if you ever want to know what a real marriage through better or worse looks like, look no further. Richard kindly gave me permission to post his email here. Get a tissue.

_______________________________

Good morning,

I have been married 37 years to the same woman and over those 37 years I’ve gone from a very healthy and active male to a 58 year old man facing his 12th spine surgery to fix an old Army injury who also has bleeding ulcers that flare up too much, just found out he has PTSD, again, from the service, walks with a cane, walker or wheelchair depending on how the spine/legs are acting and has been told he likely won’t make it far into his 60’s.

How does my wife treat me? Like I am the man she married.

In all those intervening years we have stood side by side during it all and in all the time we had our kids with us (1 girl, 1 boy) they heard us raise our voices once and that was when my wife got mad at me for overdoing it after a surgery.

I was hurt when I was 19 and told her EXACTLY what might happen in the years to come yet she still married me and I truly believe she still respects me. I don’t know what I did to deserve God giving me the courage to walk into that little record shop and talk to her but believe me, I will be on my knees thanking Him when my time comes.

We were married while I was at university and all I had was one pair of jeans, a frying pan, a couple of plates and a stereo system. Listening to music has always helped me when the pain comes. I never let the VA treat me after I finally got out of the hospital that last time. I went in at my normal, very fit weight (6 pack and all) of around 190 and came out at 142. Now you see what she had to look through to see the real me. And yes, the day I walked in, I was using my cane.

I spent over 40 years working as a programmer, analyst and manager and various combinations and believe me, with the influx of foreign labor into that field, it was really hard to keep a job those last 15 years or so when they could offer themselves for $25 an hour, benefits included and we had to get at least a living wage; besides, I PROVED I could outwork 5 of them and 99% of the time wound up training them because they simply did not have the advertised skills on their resumes.

Yes, I am leading up to something else she saw me through. By 2011 I had been working from home for over 6 years, my weight was up, my health was deteriorating and someone other than God put me in the path of a so-called pain physician who had me taking the same level of drugs they give to end-stage cancer patients just so they can go in peace. I was working anywhere from 60-80 hours a week (on record) non stop in 2011 because they kept getting rid of American workers, adding cheap offshore labor who did not know their jobs and telling us either to get the work done or they would simply replace us. I really wanted to work until I was 62. Let’s see, I was what, 54 in 2011? I am a mathematician also but I cannot ever remember whether to add or subtract one to get the right age.

I could have gone 100% disabled decades ago but both of us were raised up in dirt poor but proud families where you were taught to give it 100%. When she decided to stay home with our little girl after a terrible incident with a so called “grandmotherly” sitter, we simply shifted our savings a bit and never blinked. We are a team. When the kids came, they became part of the team and we tried so hard to pass on what we knew to them, especially how it can be between a man and a woman in a marriage. They also had great examples from my wife’s 10 other brothers and sisters and their marriages and their kids’ marriages. I am sure you get the picture. And at the center of it all is Mom. My wife’s mother who took me in as one of her own and I will never be able to repay her for that.

I did not mean for this to be so long but your column echoed what my wife and I have been talking about on trips to and from the various doctors that keep me moving; what in the world has happened to the American male and in particular, fathers. Let’s be honest as you do in your column, there is plenty of blame to heap on the male side. I often think that perhaps since we have moved so very fast technologically that we ignored many of the impacts on society in general, not just from technology but from things permitted by technology such as mass migrations of peoples and let’s face it, cultures. I just don’t think we were ready for all this change when there is so little education in so many places but I digress.

Now look at what technology has wrought in our own society. I simply cannot believe that just a bit over 40 years ago I stood toe to toe with a professor who essentially went insane on me when I pointed out the basic fallacies behind Marx’s work. Instead of arguing against my points, he tried to use volume and in a way that is what has happened to males in almost everything you see them doing in television shows or even movies. I am sitting here trying to think of a feel good movie where the guy was the “hero” in the past 5 years. Captain America maybe comes close but it is a comic come to the big screen and therefore not real so it is to be ignored.

Even my wife’s Hallmark Channel movies have taken a turn where it seems to always be the woman who toughs it out on her own, no man needed and everything turns out fine in the end. Yes, it can happen but it is so much easier when you have that extra pair of loving hands to help with the kids or whatever. Besides all that, we are at heart a social animal. If you are a Believer, which I confess I am and I hope that does not offend but I simply state it, I will not preach to people, then we were made from the Beginning to be a pair. I know that section about the man leading the household gives many women and all Feminists stomach problems an to be honest, I don’t fully understand it myself but I read the New Testament and I pretty much stay there. I keep the Commandments, yes but the bulk of my reading is New, not Old. Besides, we split it up about who is going to be boss. I have a math degree so guess who got to teach the kids math? She can keep a checkbook which mystifies me though I can write applications that have literally hundreds of thousands of lines of code in them and keep the majority in my head so guess who does our family bookkeeping? The thing is that you share and you trust each other enough to be able to open up and ask for help when needed. That’s a real partnership.

Unfortunately for us, our partnership may come to a real test and possible end this coming Friday. If they have issues or if I stroke out on them or have a heart attack and there is a lot of brain damage it means a respirator and I have made sure that my wife, with her understanding and blessing, my surgeon and our kids understand that I will not live on a respirator. I have given it a good fight. I deserve the right to die with some dignity. All I want is that one last kiss and goodbye then they can give me some pain killers and let her turn off the machine. That is the ultimate in teamwork as it shows just how much we trust and believe and love each other.

Thanks for an important column,

Richard

_______________________________

In a subsequent email, Richard added: "If only you knew her or her Mother you’d understand why my words pale when trying to describe the real people. You know, I had always heard that there is a soul mate out there for you. I know it to be the absolute truth now."

Domestic envy

Recently we had an overnight guest, a friend of Don's who stops by about twice a year while traveling between Oregon and Wyoming. I'll call him John.

This particular visit wasn't a "travel-through" visit as it normally is. His job sometimes stations him in various places, and for the last two months he's been living out of a motel in Montana. Needing a change of scenery from four motel-room walls, he decided to come stay the night and get a couple of home-cooked meals.

John is a few years younger than us, and single. He had a "relationship" a few years ago that didn't work out. Because he has no domestic ties, he's able to travel for his job. He's a big teddy-bear of a fellow who dwarfs me (I'm short) and his visits are always pleasant. He willingly throws himself into any project we're doing, such as last fall when he helped Don put up the metal roofing on our barn awning.

John has watched our slow-but-steady progress in building up our farm over the last few years, so we toured him around and showed him the things we've done since his last visit. We showed him the half-grown chicks in the coop. We showed him around the garden, where Don's irrigation system is making watering a breeze. We showed him how we're rotating the livestock around the pastures. We showed him the freezer full of beef from our last butchering. Everywhere we went, he expressed admiration for what we've accomplished. We sat down to dinner, then he and Don stayed up late talking.

John is an ideal house guest. He's considerate, grateful for small favors such as a meal or a clean bed, forgiving of dust in the corners, gets along splendidly with the dogs, and doesn't expect to be entertained. If we're busy with something, he'll take a book and read. At one point Don was involved with a neighbor who was bringing in some hay, so John sat quietly reading in the living room. I finished with whatever task I was doing, took a book, and joined him. We sat in companionable silence for about twenty minutes, just reading.

John only stayed overnight and left the next day. But there was something different about this visit. After we wished him well on the road and he drove off, that "something" kept preying on my mind. It finally dawned on me what it was: Domestic envy.

The poor man was envious of what Don and I have built and created out here on the prairie. He's also lonely. It's not that he necessarily longs for a homestead with cattle and a garden. What he longs for is the domestic tranquility we've achieved.

For even the most footloose and fancy-free person, there comes a point when the lure of domestic life creeps in. John has reached that point. He wants a wife and family. He wants the quiet day-to-day sameness that Don and I thrive on. He wants... well, domestic tranquility.

It's not that Don and I have a marriage or family life that are anything special. But neither is food anything special -- until you're hungry. We don't have dazzling important-sounding careers that will impress people at cocktail parties, but we're busy and happy and content. John is hungry for the things we have that he lacks -- a solid marriage and the blessings of a happy home life.

A couple days after John left, an acquaintance stopped by to see the garden. She, too, expressed admiration for what we’ve done in the last few years. But her praise held a note of bitterness because, I found out, she had many similar accomplishments -- large garden, livestock, canning, etc. -- but was in the process of losing it all.

It seems she is involved in an ongoing and nasty divorce. I didn't really want to hear all the details, but sometimes being a listener is necessary, and in this situation it was necessary.

After the woman left, I went inside and thanked Don for being the loyal, loving, faithful man he is. And I realized how much more we can accomplish in life when we're holding hands, facing forward, and working together toward goals, rather than tearing each other down, sniping apart each others' dignity and egos, and fighting against each other so nothing gets done. For this poor woman, she is starting her life over, both emotionally and materially.

So in the space of a few days, I saw both ends of the bell curve. On one side was a gentleman for whom the blessings of domestic tranquility has so far eluded. On the other side was a woman who desperately tried to find that domestic tranquility and instead found bitter feuding.

Don't ever dismiss the deep-seated desire for a stable, happy home life. It's a blessing for those who have it. For those who don't, it leaves a "home-shaped hole" in their heart.

Or, as reader "Montana Guy" remarked on my blog post on nesting bluebirds, "Isn't it refreshing to see two-parent families working together?"

I am grateful to Don for partnering with me to provide us and our girls with domestic tranquility. It's something we take for granted until we come face-to-face with those who don't have it. I dearly hope that these two people -- John and my other acquaintance -- are able to find some of their own.

Dating questions

I received an email from a reader named Melissa with some excellent questions. I asked permission to post her email and open the topic up for discussion.

Melissa's email:

I've been following your blog for years. Even though we live in the suburbs, we adhere to a philosophy of self reliance. We've homeschooled for over 14 years and have graduated two of our three children. One is currently serving in the army and the oldest will graduate college next summer.

My question for you is... Our daughter just turned 21 and has never been on a date. She has strict requirements for what she wants in a mate..... A strong Christian and a man that's not afraid to be a man. Her college is full of liberal "nut jobs." And she belongs to a Christian organization.

As a parent of daughters, what advice do you give them? Where on earth have the real men gone? I've seen more young men in stores that are very effeminate. Just yesterday, my husband and I were in Target and a young man in front of us was buying a cupcake and researching hair products on his phone. I can guarantee that he has never done hard labor in his life.

Maybe we could have a discussion about this on your blog. I know we can't be the only parents concerned for our daughters and their future spouses.

Besides asking permission to post her email, I replied as follows:

A couple of quick thoughts. First, your daughter is currently in a highly artificial environment which is super-saturated with progressives. Once she departs from college and launches into the Real World, she'll find there is a broader and more diverse (don'cha love that word) group of men out there. When she graduates and finds a job, I encourage her to get involved in groups and organizations that reflect her interests -- church, of course, but also hiking clubs or literary groups or dog breeding groups or whatever else she enjoys.

I am also not adverse to online dating services. There are a lot of them out there now, which reflect a lot of very specific criteria. There are rural dating sites and prepper dating sites and of course Christian dating sites, etc. I see nothing wrong with utilizing these services.

I just now read your email out loud to my husband and he had another idea: perhaps she could get involved in ministries that do work on military bases. Your child who is serving in the army can no doubt testify about the plethora of young men who would love to meet a young woman with high standards like your daughter.

Besides, you never know when you'll find the right person. I met my husband while walking my dog over 25 yrs ago. My dog had aggression issues with other dogs, but for some reason she liked his dog, so we started walking our dogs together... and the rest is history.

So, dear readers, what are some other ideas for how a young woman with high standards could meet a compatible young man who's not afraid of hard work or masculinity? Let's hear 'em. (And I can assure you, my daughters will be reading all the responses with great interest.)

A simple cup of coffee

I get up earlier than Don does. All through our 23 years of marriage (except for those long-ago times when we both commuted to outside jobs), I've gotten up earlier. I'm just an early bird.

So, since I'm up first, it pleases me to make my husband a cup of coffee when he arises.

This morning he got up and I made him a cup of coffee. He took it and thanked me, then stopped and said, "I just wanted to let you know how much I appreciate it when you hand me a cup of coffee in the morning." He said it made him feel warm and loved to have me bring him that simple beverage.

This is why I love my husband so much. Simple gestures of affection are never taken for granted.

My husband does endless big and small things to please me as well -- anything from building me a milking stall to thanking me for coffee.

It's little things like this that cement a marriage and keep it strong.

God bless those simple cups of coffee.

Sex and the Single Girl

Here's my WND column for this weekend entitled Sex and the Single Girl, which turned out to be a surprisingly hot topic, if the number of comments are anything to go by.

Now if you want a beautiful example of a young couple who did everything in the right order -- and are glad they did -- my WND editor, Ron, sent me a short video which highlights his daughter's wedding on August 11.

No, it is NOT dying

Here's an interesting article a reader sent me some time ago (thus proving I am still trying to catch up on past emails). It's about how marriage is a "dying" institution.

First of all, I would like to point out that the opinions of Hollywood actors/actresses very rarely reflect those of mainstream America. Let's face it, their lives (with few exceptions) are not normal.

Second, the person writing this article is a psychiatrist. In other words, his life's work is to fix (or declare unfixable) the problems of people who suffer, including those who suffer from broken marriages. Um, does this strike you as someone unbiased on the institute of marriage? If all he sees, day in and day out, are those who are unhappy in marriage, he's going to conclude that marriage does not lead to happiness.

He writes," As a healer, I can’t help looking askance at anything that depletes energy, optimism, mood and passion to the extent that marriage does. It is, without a doubt, one of the leading causes of major depression in the nation."

Okay, so then how do you explain people who ARE happily married? My folks have been married for 54 years and still hold hands. This couple was married 72 years and died holding hands. There are happily married couples everywhere -- if you open your eyes to see them.

Happiness in marriage stems from a number of things sorely lacking in today's society. Chastity until marriage has the amazing ability to keep one's vision clear about a prospective partner's qualities as well as faults. Nothing blinds someone more than lust. Common goals, common interests, common religious beliefs, and mutual respect for the other person are all contributing factors to a solid marriage.

But today's feel-good culture dictates wild living before marriage with no consideration about how that wild living can impact future stability in a marriage. Broken vows -- eh, who cares? It's just another "me first" behavior from a culture that supports "me first."

Obviously not all marriages deserved to be saved, but let's face it, the vast majority of people could avoid divorce by either (a) marrying the right person to begin with, and/or (b) treating their spouse as the treasure he or she is (instead of someone to nag or complain or nitpick to death).

This author points out one or two things I don't necessarily disagree with, but he draws the wrong conclusions. He ends by saying, "It’s only a matter of time now. Marriage will fade away. We should be thinking about what might replace it. We should come up with something that improves the quality of our lives and those of our children. And we should keep government out of it, if we know what’s good for us." [Emphasis added.]

Marriage has been around for literally thousands of years, since the dawn of civilized culture, and you want to replace it because a bunch of people in the last fifty years can't keep their vows? Huh?

Marriage itself is not a dying institution. Marriages may be dying because people no longer know how to choose the right partners, and no longer know how to keep vows... but the institution itself can and should live on. There is nothing -- nothing! -- that "improves the quality of our lives and those of our children" more than a secure and happy marriage. Nothing.

But I do agree we should keep government out of it.

True riches

My older daughter and I were driving somewhere last week when we started discussing her future career choice. (I haven’t blogged about her career choice yet, but will shortly.) On the heels of that discussion we started talking about marriage, specifically how she might meet a young man (someday) who would be worthy of marrying her. Suffice it to say her career choice may throw her in the path of young men who will be rich.

And I warned her against it. Not to paint too broad a brush on ALL rich people, but I told her wealth can sometimes be incompatible with the family values we cherish. Not always, but often. (Okay, I’ll stop with the codicils now. I’m sure there are exceptions everywhere.)

Then I said something that just sort of popped out of my mouth but, upon reflection, I realize is dead-on accurate. I said, “Look at your father. He’s never been rich, but he’s always provided for us, and he's been the best husband a woman could ever ask for, and the best father you girls could ever want.”

I would never claim that riches are incompatible with family harmony (something we’ve always had in abundance) but I believe our LACK of riches has meant we have become immeasurably rich in everything else. We have the richness of love. We have the richness of domestic harmony. We have the richness of wonderful teens. We have the richness of lots of time together as a family. We have the richness of a lack of stress (most of the time). These are things, literally, that money cannot buy.

Rich men can either be rich through inheritance or through hard work. I don’t begrudge either. In fact, I applaud both. Except… I’m not sure riches could ever translate into a man worthy of my daughter, because I would question whether his interest lies with his wealth (maintaining it and/or building more) or his family.

Yeah yeah, I know every parent wants the highest ideals for a potential son-in-law. But under most circumstances, in a heartbeat I would choose a man of modest means to marry my daughter, over a rich man.

If I were to pull together a bucket list for a son-in-law, money would NOT be on it. But these qualities would:

• A strong work ethic. A man should have the will and the ability to provide for my daughter and their future children.

• Kindness. My future son-in-law will know how to be the kind and loving head of his family. He will not use anger or fear to control either my daughter or their children.

• Religious strength. A man should be able to guide his children’s religious upbringing and provide a godly example of manliness to his family.

• Morals. My son-in-law should be a moral man who knows (and sticks to) his convictions.

• Honorable. This term can encompass a lot of ground, including keeping his word.

• Practical knowledge. My son-in-law should know how to do make, fix, repair, create, and build. There are a million and one things my husband can turn his hand to that makes our lives easier. I would wish the same abilities in my son-in-law.

• Adoration. My son-in-law will adore my daughter. She in turn will adore him back. This respect and adoration helps carry any couples through hard times.

As you can see, riches aren’t listed anywhere. And riches may even interfere with many of these ideals.

Here is a wonderful letter to Dr. Laura that says a lot about how a woman should treat her husband which would add immeasurably to marital harmony.

What are your thoughts?

What makes more sense?

I'm on a couple of "query" loops in which writers can make queries of anyone who can provide information for an article or book. I've seen so many of these queries come across my computer screen that I seldom blink at the occasional odd one.

So as oddness goes, this one was pretty light, and I didn't pay it much attention. Yet the more I thought about it, the more it bugged me. The query went as follows:

I'm looking to interview men and women age 20-60 anywhere in the country who are dating someone but not living together. Why, in these tough economic times where it makes financial sense to move in together, do you prefer to live in separate abodes? Do you think it's better for the long-term health of your relationship to take things slow? Or is there some other reason? Respondents can remain anonymous, although if you’re OK with it I’d like your first name, last initial, age, profession, and city/state of residence—or just whatever you’re comfortable telling me.

The reason I found this query troubling was the genuine puzzlement the writer expresses. I mean, he or she seems honestly confused that anyone could possess a moral code that would not allow for them to live with a man or a woman outside of marriage.

When Don and I were married in 1990, I was renting a house with a yard (I had a dog) and he was renting an apartment in a nearby town. It never -- not in a million years -- occurred to us to move in together until after the vows were said. There was something thrilling about the idea of setting up housekeeping together once we returned from our honeymoon.

He moved in with me since my rental house was larger than his apartment. A few weeks into our new arrangement, I stepped onto the porch just as the mailman walked up. "Lewis and Smith?" he asked, shuffling letters.

"No," I replied proudly. "Lewis and Lewis." I wanted no misconceptions whatever that Don and I were not husband and wife.

Back to the query. Why, in these tough economic times where it makes financial sense to move in together, do you prefer to live in separate abodes?

Well, maybe people who don't live together before marriage want marriage to actually mean something. Statistics have shown that people who live together before marriage are more likely to divorce. Perhaps those who approach marriage as the sacred covenant that it is view it differently than those who move in together merely for economic convenience (and free sex).

If someone "practices" setting up house together with any number of partners, how will this be any different when they settle for one person permanently? It won't. The new spouse will be just like an endless list of ex-partners with whom you've set up house. There will be no sparkle, no novelty, no fun of moving furniture around until both parties are satisfied. Instead it will just be another tedious time of moving furniture around until both parties are satisfied.

And deep down in their heart, they no doubt wonder if this housekeeping setup will last any longer than any of the others.

The obvious thing that sets marriage apart from merely living together are the vows. (Whether people really mean those vows is a whole 'nother blog post.) But marriage is more than just vows. It's the fun of setting up a life together. It's getting used to another person's idiosyncrasies while still wearing the rose-colored glasses of newlyweds (which makes those idiosyncrasies easier to live with). It's the planning for the future -- the house you'll want to buy someday, the children you'll bear together, the job prospects you'll entertain...

Yes, marriage is a whole different mindset than merely living together for (cough) economic reasons.

But I won't bother explaining any of this to the writer who sent that query. I see it as one of those "if you have to ask, you wouldn't understand moments."