Thursday, September 8, 2011

Redneck Guide to Emergency Preparedness

A friend sent this.

A Countdown of the Ten Items in Your Redneck Emergency Preparedness Kit

10. Smokes and Chew
Marlboro Lights for a category one hurricane or tornado, Marlboro Mediums for a category two or three, Marlboro Reds for a category four. You need a serious smoke for a serious hurricane. Chew is important because it counts towards your daily supply of vegetables.

9. Booze
Hide the Budweiser and have a couple cans of Milwaukee’s Best in case strangers stop by or you need to barter with neighbors. Follow this safety rule for consuming alcohol in emergency situations: beer for morning and Jack Daniels for afternoon and evenings. If you are too drunk to walk then use your ATV, otherwise it will take you forever to get anywhere.

8. Food
Slim Jims and -- if you want to live large -- get some mustard for dipping, beef jerky, pork rinds and anything that was on the table that the dogs didn’t eat or wasn’t sprayed with Raid when you were clearing cockroaches during dinner.

7. A Boat
A true redneck has a boat in his yard for years at a time without ever using it once. That’s because it’s for emergency purposes. I highly recommend a two-stroke motor that will always start after it’s kicked a few times. Preferably that motor will be a Johnson, because jokes about your Johnson never get old.

6. Pickup Truck
A redneck is a man that has less than 50% of his vehicles running at any given time. It’s easy to tell the vehicle that is driven the most by counting the 7-11 hotdog containers on the floor. But when a hurricane hits, it’s certain that a redneck in a Ford F-150 that is held together with Bondo will be pulling your Lexus out of a ditch.

5. A Dog
A dog will tell you if something is edible or not.

4. A Flashlight
You need one in addition to the light the family uses at night to go out to the bathroom.

3. A Radio with a powerful speaker
That way you have something to drown out the wife, kids, mother-in-law, your sister-in-law Crystal, your sister Crystal, cousin Crystal, and your neighbor Crystal and her daughter little Crystal.

2. Home Security System
(1) Buy a pair of size 14-16 work boots.
(2) Put them on the front porch with a copy of your most recent assault charge.
(3) Put some giant dog dishes next to the boots and court papers.
(4) Leave this note on your door: "Jake and Buster: I went for more ammo & beer. Back soon. Don't mess with the pit bulls; they messed the mailman up bad this morning. I don't think Satan took part; hard to tell from all the blood. I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside. Be right back. The cops will be back too.”

1. Guns and Ammo
I’m not talking about the magazine. Looters will be shot on sight and their loved ones can buy their watches and rings back from the pawn shop. And personally, I’d like to say that if you have a gun then squirrel is always on the menu if a disaster causes the traffic to be bad.

(Get yourself prepared in case you have a shortage of rednecks in your area. Don’t expect the government to be able to get to you or provide for you. And of course, stay loaded my friends.)


  1. Thanks for the tips, they will come in handy here in hurricane country! BTW, the 'baccy is also for insect stings. Either the chaw or some of the cig chewed a bit then put on the bite area. Sting GONE.

    I am not kidding about this. It really works. Some of Florida really is the south. :)

    Florida Native

  2. Oh Patrice! I nearly fell off my office chair while reading this! I H-A-D to read it out loud to hubby... in between guffaws I mean!

    I had purchased a tape measure for my dear husband a while back... he got s-o-m-e looks for it too... it's a "big johnson"! hahaha

    And your ending comment... "stay loaded" is that with the Jack Daniels... beer... or...?? Just checking! :-)

    Hope you don't mind if I post this on my blog!\
    ~Mrs. R

  3. FlintyRocks, I can't take credit for that ending line -- it came with the piece. 'Twasn't me who wrote it!

    And yes, post away.

    - Patrice

  4. Hilarious! And clearly I come from redneck stock, because I know way too many Crystals!

  5. Hey, a redneck has to have a knife - a big rusty one. The bigger, the better (just like his Johnson). A Texas Toothpick is always handy fer skinnin' snakes an such. Oh, and it's good fer pickin' yer tooth, too.

    Anonymous Patriot

  6. And this is a joke because? I thought EVERYBODY lived like this!! :-) What a hoot. Got a good laugh and a good lesson. The boots, dog dishes and note go on my front porch in the morning!!