Saturday, May 1, 2010

How to give a cat a pill

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse in from the garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail. Get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans and drink one beer to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from the top of the tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Using heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed, tie the little *&#%^'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour two pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How To Give A Dog A Pill

1. Wrap it in bacon.
2. Toss it in the air.


  1. Ha, ha very good! and very accurate.

  2. It's funny because it's true! :-)
    I tried bathing my cat years ago to similar results/damages/wounds.

    Enjoy reading your posts, all very refreshing and insightful.

  3. Soooo funny!! I cried with laughter - thanks!

  4. Haha! Had to do this many times. Unfortunately even the dog was wary of pills, consuming the food and politely spitting the pill out afterwards. After a few tries she'll hide it in her cheek for as long as a half hour! End up having to stick my whole hand half way down her throat just to make it stay down. Poor dog :(

  5. They don't call it "herding cats" for nothin'!

    Bill Smith

  6. My husband pointed out that you started with the wrong end right from the beginning! LOL!

  7. Fantastic! Loved it!!! I was rolling!!!!!!

  8. Funniest thing I've read in ages!!


  9. Funny,funny,funny.Never thought I had a twin in the cat medicine field. Loved it.

  10. I've seen this before.

    Did you write it?

  11. Did I write this? Heavens no! I'm not that clever.

    - Patrice

  12. I've gotten good at giving pills to cats, though not as good as the vet. I'm amazed every time I see them do it. I start with coating them with a small glob of butter.(the pill, not the cat.) Cats like butter, and it makes the pill slide right down their throat.
    Sometimes the vet gives them liquid meds. Usually, it's that pink stuff they give children. The cats hate it. You ever met a cat that likes bubble gum? Why don't they make that stuff chicken flavored?