Country Living Series

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Eating tips for the holidays

A reader sent this.

Eating Tips for the Holidays

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door where they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can and quickly. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an "eggnog-aholic" or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it!!!! Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello???

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple, pumpkin and mincemeat - have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread tips: Start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.


  1. Now THIS is a list I can relate to! Bring on the mashed taters and gravy, then please leave me to eat in peace. Oh, and you can keep that green bean salad - yuck. Pumpkin pie? Did somebody mention pumpkin pie? I'll take a couple slices, thanks. And please pass the candied yams. Eggnog? No thanks, but some hot apple cider sounds good.

    Merry Christmas!

    Anonymous Patriot

  2. I gained 6 pounds just reading that !

  3. BLORT!!

    I feel stuffed just from reading this! lol

    We're going to the parents'-in-law, where Dad goes crazy and makes almond rocha with dark chocolate...gasp...nut brittle, etc. and Mom makes millions, possibly thousands of cookies...I'll make a saskatoon/blackberry cobbler and a sweet potato pie...with whipped cream, of course...oh's always a giant food fest...turkey...stuffing...taters n' gravy, deliriously good salads...STOP ME SOMEBODY!!!!

    A.P. I'll join you in a mug of cider...I like mine with a slice of ginger. And did someone say there's wassail? Yum!