Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Carbon Deficits

Patrice left last night for an overnight visit with some friends. So, foolishly she left me with the blog password so that I could moderate and approve comments. (We've been married 20 years. You'd think she'd know better.) So, just to keep the postings regular, here's my new business idea.

Looking for a franchise deal?

I've got a sure-fire new business idea that's bound to make me a ton of money! It’s easy, works off the things I already do around the ol' homestead and, best of all, fits nicely into the whole "green" thing. Cha-ching!!!

By now, most of us have been exposed to the concept of carbon credits. If you haven't, congratulations! But, if you'd prefer the short course, carbon credits are insubstantial abstracts that you can purchase for lots of money to off-set your own porcine waste of natural resources while AT THE SAME TIME allowing you to stick your piggish snout up in the air and sniff disdainfully at all the horrid little people who don't have your environmental conscience (or liquid assets) to do the same.

One example of a well known user of carbon credits is Al (No Controlling Legal Authority) Gore, who apparently burns more electricity every time he opens his refrigerator door than the average household uses in a year. But when informed by the press that the fish tank in his home sucks enough juice to cause the traffic lights in Nashville to dim, Al just smiles and writes a check for more carbon credits. A check by the way, that he pays to a company whose stock he owns. Man, capitalism at its finest! Gives me goose-bumps.

It is said by knowledgeable sources (me, 2011, just now) that Al Gore has a pre-diet Rush Limbaugh-sized carbon footprint. Of course he can afford it. He probably still has some of those Buddhist Monk love offerings in his 401K.

No, I'm not going start selling carbon credits (at least not till the end of the post). But what about you? Aren't you just a little PO'd that only the "big guys" like Gore can afford a big carbon footprint? And let’s face it, the oft-whispered innuendos of what big 'carbon' feet might imply about other masculine attributes could have a positive effect on your dating life if only YOU had a bigger...footprint.

OK, maybe you're willing to lease out your kids as impact crash maniquins to get some carbon credits. But what’s the point if you don't have a big carbon footprint to offset? And how can you, if you're an average urban dweller; in your environmentally sensitive condo, driving a Prius and shopping with recycled hemp bags, ever get a really big carbon footprint?

That’s where I can help.

You see, simply living and working on a cow farm in Northern Idaho means I have a completely natural, multi-acre wide carbon footprint. We got carbon coming out our ears (and other orifices too). Liquid, solid, gases, pastes (especially after the snow melts)…we can't haul the carbon off faster than it accumulates. And just the act of hauling it off makes more! And I'm surrounded by people who have carbon footprints large enough to make mine look like Al Franken's odds of landing any new movie deals..

So here's your chance.

I'm willing to sell you portions of my carbon footprint. That’s right! I'm talking Carbon Footprint Credits! Next time you see Al (Gore, not Franken) in a motorcade of five or six bullet-proof three-ton SUVs headed for another Environmental Awards Ceremony on TV, you can turn to the guy on the next stool and say, "Sure, he burns some gas, but I own the carbon rights to a 40 acre hay field plowed AND disked by a 1949 tractor with a cracked oil pan." (Assuming I can get the darn thing running.)

Got a problem with some snotty rock star telling you about his recent trip to the Rio Earth Summit in his private jet? Well, watch him 'ground out' quicker than a California Condor hitting a high voltage wire when you whip out certificates for a clear-cut the size of Sausalito AND twelve miles of logging road.

A little too ambitious?

Care to start smaller?

I understand. Eco-dollars are tight these days. No worries. I can make you a very sweet deal on the hourly soot output of a local paper mill, or even the individual daily methane production of one of my cows.

But wait! There's more!

For each Carbon Footprint certificate you buy today, I'll burn a log in my cast iron non-catalytic parlor stove and you'll get the credit for that absolutely free!

OK, now you've got a carbon foot print the size of Michael Moore, but what do you do with it? Hey, we're a one stop shop! Simply send me more money and I'll stop doing whatever it was I was doing for you before, and then I'll send you a certificate for that! The best of both worlds! You can slap your big ol' carbon feet up on the coffee table at the next "Save the Nauga" fundraiser party and after impressing everyone with your "bounty," you can also show your sensitive and caring side by proudly displaying the carbon credits that offset (but don't diminish) your natural endowments.

Good for you. Good for the Environment. Good for my bottom line.

Only in America folks.


  1. The check's in the mail!

    A. McSp

  2. I think that I have been living under a rock for awhile because I haven't heard of this. Maybe I should just stay under my rock? It's environmentally friendly :)

  3. Now the funny part is, that makes almost as much sense as Al Bore's dribble. Owwwww my head hurts now

    ROTFL, good one.

  4. I had a chair covered in naugahide once. Just what exactly is a nauga anyway?

  5. Ah, I had been wondering how you were going to supplement your income, as per your request for suggestions several months ago.

    Your woodworking equipment must be adding to the carbon "problem," so I presume you'll be offering a Carbon Debit Certificate with each tankard sold?

    Anonymous Patriot

  6. I tried to understand this whole "carbon footprint" thing awhile back, but I finally gave up when I realized it was just another huge lie concocted by liberals to help them gain more control over everyone and everything.

    When I stop listening to liberals and just use my own God-given brains, the world makes so much more sense! For instance: Consider all the baloney about our ozone layer being destroyed by our putting millions of tons of methane into the atmosphere. Now they're saying cows are contributing greatly to the problem, as well.

    Then you have to wonder: What about way back in the past when literally BILLIONS and BILLIONS of dinosaurs roamed the earth? Small ones, medium-sized ones and great big GIANT ones! (They keep finding even bigger ones all the time.) You think all those dinosaurs weren't adding their own stinky methane gases to the atmosphere? Why didn't the ozone layer disappear way back then?

    Every point liberals make, every addle-brained conclusion they come to, can be destroyed in seconds with just a bare minimum of good, common sense. Use that common sense, folks, and stop listening to the liars.

  7. I'm gonna pull out my "Share the Wealth" card! It should be worth something if we are using phoney-baloney monopoly carbon offset certificates. But I think you have something there! And they call the fly-over country folks stupid...


  8. Bravo Patrice. Bravo.

    Writing in the style of a Modest Proposal. Love it.


  9. now that is "junk science"! think i would be better off investing in the "sniffer machine" being researched and built at the body farm in tennessee. :)

  10. First laugh of the day husband of the boss! Well done!

  11. I'll take twenty bucks worth...fresh, bucket full.

  12. HA HA HA, No wonder you and Patrice have been married so long, you make her laugh!!!

  13. I'll trade ya some of my husband's methane for some of your carbon ok? In fact you can keep the carbon and I'll still give you some of my husband's methane. Such a deal....... :)