A reader I'll call "Sarah" sent an email posing a question which I thought deserved its own blog post. Sarah kindly gave permission to post her email as follows:
I have been a reader for awhile, but have stayed in the shadows. I admire you, and always look forward to reading what you wrote through the week. I wanted to mention an idea to you, and I will be quick because I know how incredibly busy you are.
I am remarried. I was married to my first husband for 17 years, and together we learned so much about prepping. I enjoyed every minute of it. Sadly, we took different paths, and he no longer preps for anything! I mean anything! I remarried my highschool sweetheart after 20 years apart. He is employed by the state, and loves it. Me? eeek! He doesn't prep, thinks I am silly, but it doesn't bother me in the slightest.
I had to leave the old house in the country, my ex and his wife reside there, with ALL my prepping. I now live in a small city, and have encouraged my husband to consider country life. He said "Okay, next spring." So I will be back in my element.
My idea for your blog is....Do you think you can write a series of stories relating to people who have a spouse who doesn't prep...has faith in the government? I would really like to read what other people deal with in this situation. Look for a little encouragement. I am sure my husband will appreciate all the prepping I do, and what I do know, when the time comes. Thank you so much for your blog, I truly enjoy every bit of it...even the ridiculous comments by people!
Sarah's email caught my attention for two reasons. One, I think her situation is shared by a great many other people. And two, I had posted this very question some time ago on my blog, seeking reader input. (I can't seem to locate the link to that post, but will include it if I find it.) Of the replies and suggestions I received from readers, I coalesced everything into the following, which is now an excerpt from my manuscript on preparedness.
(Incidentally, I saw this very topic addressed on SurvivalBlog earlier this year, and saved the link.)
One of the most frequent laments I hear is when a family is getting prepared but their friends and extended family won’t heed the call. The refusal to prepare can range from true ignorance (“Economy? What’s wrong with the economy? Everything’s fine!”) to deliberate denial and ridicule (“Hey, I like your tinfoil hat!”).
And of course it all concludes with the ultimate contingency plan: “Well if times get tough, I’ll just move in with you.”
But a tragic variation on this theme is when one spouse wants to be prepared, and the other does not. It’s one thing to face the ridicule or hostility of friends or extended relatives. It’s a whole different ballgame if that ridicule or hostility is coming from your spouse, the person you took vows with. What then?
I had such a difficult time coming up with possible solutions to this issue that I posed the question on my blog; namely how does one convince one’s spouse about the benefits of preparedness? Needless to say there was no clear-cut “Here’s the answer!” solution, but following are some ideas that might influence a reluctant spouse to embrace a more prepared lifestyle.
• Security. Emphasize the benefits of the physical security that comes with being prepared. Women often have an instinctive need for security, whether it means food in the pantry or a healthy savings account. Most men are hard-wired to want to protect their family. Both these instincts are correct; and both can be seen from a preparedness angle.
• Play on strengths. If the unconvinced spouse has an existing “prepper” interest that can be useful in a preparedness lifestyle, encourage it. Perhaps the unbelieving spouse loves firearms, or gardening, or the thought of rural life, or canning, or sewing, or mechanics, some other aspect which can be played up.
• Learn the objections. Why isn’t the other spouse interested? Is it because they don’t believe something could ever happen to them? Is it because it’s too much work? Is it because they’re afraid of the unknown, such as moving to the country? If the other person’s concerns are verbalized and respectfully addressed, he or she may start to come around.
• Don’t nag or push. I know we all want to be prepared NOW, but if your spouse isn’t on board, then nagging or pushing will only make them resist and pull back. Gentle persuasion is more powerful and effective in the long run than banging someone upside the head.
• Don't be secretive. While I would never suggest you keep secrets from your spouse, nothing prevents you from quietly preparing as best you can alone. Shrug and say it’s your little idiosyncrasy to buy extra food and stash it in buckets in the basement. Begin to accumulate a reference library and various non-electric options. Don’t make a big deal out of it, but don’t be secretive either.
• Let experience be the teacher. If a short-term emergency (such as a power outage) should happen, gently point out either (a) you can weather the emergency quite easily because of your preparations, or (b) wouldn’t it have been nice if you’d had preparations in place to handle the emergency? Nothing teaches like experience, and that experience in handling a short-term emergency can be either good or bad.
• Play on the love. I don’t like marital manipulation, i.e. “If you loved me, you’d do xyz.” However, you might gently point out that putting aside some supplies would make you a very happy spouse, and happy spouses do nice things to each other (in bed, in the kitchen, whatever). In other words, make it worth their while.
• Make it fun. Nothing says preparedness must be grim! Instead, find all the fun stuff you can do together – go target shooting, go camping, go to antique stores or farm sales, do some workouts with each and get into shape… find the “togetherness” aspect and enjoy yourselves!
• Compromise. Maybe you can’t convince your spouse to move to a rural farm, but perhaps he or she might be interested in a little piece of property on the edge of town where you can get chickens and grow a garden. And while the saying goes, “A good compromises pleases nobody,” keep in mind that you must be respectful of your spouse’s viewpoints and opinions… even if you feel differently.
• Emphasize frugality. Perhaps your spouse is concerned about the costs of prepping. If money is tight, emphasize how much you’ll save by cooking from scratch and buying in bulk. It’s a start!
• Try a vacation. If you can afford it, consider buying a rural bugout and using it as a vacation property. Again, treat it as a fun “together” thing.
• Keep some literature handy. Perhaps your spouse might end up picking up a book or two (either fiction or nonfiction) on preparedness and come away convinced. Dinner-time discussions about domestic and international financial woes can work their way into the other person’s mind and begin to change their views.
• Educate yourself. Even if you can’t purchase all the food and supplies you’d like, nothing keeps you from educating yourself about various matters that interest you. You could teach yourself food preservation, firearm safety, sewing, welding, cooking from scratch, and other useful skills.
• What’s more important? If your spouse remains downright hostile to the idea of prepping, in the end you may have to make a decision. Which is more important: your spouse, or preparedness? If it comes down to brass tacks, pick your spouse. You took vows with this person. You stood before God and promised eternal devotion. You had children with him or her. It’s not fair for you to change direction mid-stream and demand your spouse comply with your vision of preparedness at the expense of marital unity. It is far more essential to keep the family intact than it is to drive someone away in order to prepare for something which may or may not happen. In other words, a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.