Tuesday, April 5, 2016

Introducing the New and Improved -- NoPhone!!

As many of you know, I'm not into "smart" phones for a whole host of reasons. Even back in the stone age (high school, late 70s) I hated talking on the phone, and my phone aversion hasn't gotten much better over the years unless there's a compelling reason to overcome it (Older Daughter calling from New Jersey, parents calling from California, etc).

So when my brother (also a phone-phobe) sent me a link to a nifty new product, I had to check it out.

Introducing the spiffy new and improved ... NO-PHONE ZERO!!

According to the website, the NoPhone ZERO "is the least advanced phone ever created by mankind. A downgrade from the original NoPhone, the NoPhone ZERO features no buttons, no logos and most importantly, no phone. Change the life of someone you care about tomorrow by pre-ordering the NoPhone ZERO today."

What's not included:

  • Texting Your Ex-Boyfriend or Ex-Girlfriend
  • Location Tracking
  • Browsing History
  • Data Overages
  • Dead Batteries
  • Phone

Just in case you're unclear on the concept, they offer this technical diagram:

For those obsessed with self-photography, you can upgrade to the optional NoPhone SELFIE version:

According to the website: "Upgrade your NoPhone to the only feature available for the NoPhone, a small adhesive backed mirror. Enjoy taking a real-time selfie and remembering the time you did. Add a real friend for a real-time group selfie. The options are endless if you keep repeating them in different ways."

The company also offers a couple's version of the NoPhone.

Their guarantee:

Your life or the life of someone you care about will change forever when you receive a NoPhone in the mail.

What's Included:

  • One NoPhone
  • One Instruction Manual (how not to use it)
  • More of your attention
  • Real friends

Testimonials include the New York Times ("Always have a rectangle of plastic to clutch!"), Fast Company ("A security blanket phone addicts are taking seriously"), TechCrunch ("Pay attention without having a panic attack") and TIME ("A simulation of your comfort object, helping you slowly abandon it").

Ladies and gentlemen, I think these folks have invented the most perfect phone ever ... though my brother muses sarcastically, "Not sure how long the battery lasts."


  1. I lost my ancient flip phone a couple of months ago. I never put more than 8 to 10 minutes a month on it anyway. I don't miss it. It worries my boys. I can't call in an emergency, but in an emergency everybody else has a phone. I think I won't upgrade from here to a no-phone. I have a powder compact for times I want to see a selfie.

  2. This reminds me of about 20 years ago, when the Apple Newton was still around. There was another product...
    It was called the Nuttin'.
    It claimed much better handwriting recognition and battery life.
    It wasn't hard to read in bright sunlight and would not overheat.
    It was a case shaped like a Newton, with a paper pad in it...

  3. It took me a long time to realize I am NORMAL, since I am exactly as you are regarding cell phones, selfies, etc. My husband wants me to have a cell phone; it's on silent 90% of the day! I don't want it!! However, it is a good 'gadget' for when I travel and should need any roadside assistance, since payphones are as scarce as an astronaut riding a horse....

  4. The new millennium's version of the pet rock!
    Jeff in OK

  5. Since there is NO battery, it's life is either irrelevant or infinite, depending on how you look at it. Either way you don't have to worry about charging it!

  6. This Luddite loves it. Think of the options. Slap on a family photo and B-I-N-G-O! You upgraded to a 'Family Phone'. Remember them? Even better, how about a picture of Christ? Perhaps add a caption to help Americans?
    Montana Guy

  7. Whilst I understand the usefulness of a mobile phone for emergencies and keeping in touch, the dawn of the selfie is something I don't understand. When did it not become vain and embarrassing to post multiple pictures of photos taken of you, by you, mainly with ridiculous facial expressions??!!

    1. Amen Kirsty Udall. They are their own 'golden calves'. Just wait until they meet the 'golden horde' and sooner thereafter, their Maker.
      Montana Guy

  8. I'm the same as you. Serious phone aversion. Love the No-phone!

  9. Would it be ironic to pay for a NoPhone using Bit Coin?

  10. I have a fancy phone, my old one was a flip which I could take pictures but have no clue how youd download them. I no how to dial the phone, use waze(as we go to Milw for doctor appointments and have to be able to get through traffic. I use my phone when Im out to order a pizza(we are too far out of town for delivery) and to tell you to get your butt out the door as Im in your drive way. I have no clue to text or retrieve, or use messenger. I like things simple.

  11. I'm trying to think of a way to talk my boss into letting me use the no-phone at work instead of the constantly ringing phone I have now!

  12. All I want from my phone is hello and goodbye. My old flip phone survived a 1/4 mile ride in a box blade full of gravel, but not the washing machine. I was talked into a "smart" phone, which soon proved I wasn't. It's now resting peacefully at the bottom of the James River. My new flip phone is supposed to be water resistant, I'm sure I'll find out.

  13. LOVE this. I have a serious phone adversion, as well. Thanks for the laugh. :)