Update on my parents

Thank you, my dear readers, for all your kind prayers concerning the situation with my parents. I apologize for the silence of the last few days. Here's an update.

I'm here in Southern California with my dad (who will be 90 in July). My mother (who is 93) is currently in a nearby rehabilitation center after being hospitalized a couple weeks ago. She had a severe stroke a couple years ago which took out her dominant (right) side, but despite that she wasn't doing too badly. My father was still able to care for her at home with the help of mobility aids, a wonderful in-home care assistant who came in twice a week to bathe her, etc.

Since I only see my parents about once a year, it was clear to me that my mom was gradually declining, but my father (perhaps stubbornly) was seeing incremental steps and still insisted he could keep her at home and care for her himself.

Last October, God knows how, both my parents got COVID. Dad recuperated at home, but Mom was hospitalized. Both recovered, but we think it was this bout of COVID that precipitated an extremely rapid decline in my mother's health.

My three brothers, one of whom lives an hour away and the other two of whom live in the Bay Area, have been wonderful over the past couple of months, tag-teaming to stay with my parents and assist with my mother's care. Then my dad took a fall (tripped in the middle of the night on the way to the bathroom) and received some muscle damage in his arm as well as other bumps and bruises, and it became crystal-clear that my mother could no longer be cared for at home, no matter how much my dad wanted it.

Mom was transferred to a rehab facility which is, thankfully, only a couple of miles away from my parents' house. She is unable to speak coherently, unable to walk, sit up without assistance, etc. Her decline (both mental and physical) is so abrupt that everyone is baffled. Possibly it's due to rapid-onset Alzheimer's resulting from COVID; we don't know.

While originally I thought I would be here to assist with my mother's physical care, the urgency of that reason disappeared when she was transferred to the rehab facility. My job then became convincing my dad that Mom cannot come home, for her own safety.

My dad is a former engineer; he's a logical thinker; but this was his blind spot. My parents have been married 66 years, and he couldn't accept that she had to stay under expert care. My brothers were gently trying to convince him, but he wouldn't agree.

The trouble is, Mom is not responding to any of the therapies offered in the rehab center (speech/physical/occupational), and the staff is recommending she be transferred to the other side of the building, to the long-term care facility. Dad didn't want this; he wanted her home.

Then, on my second evening here, we went to see my mom and feed her dinner (Dad is there twice a day, feeding her both lunch and dinner), and she was so out of it that it became clear even to my dad that she couldn't come home. He had a rough night and a rough follow-up morning as he came to grips with this reality. It was for this reason, if no other, that I'm glad to be here to support him.

Part of the urgency to have my dad accept this is because as long as my mom is a patient at the rehab facility, then she has a smooth and automatic transfer to the long-term care facility. But if she's removed from the rehab center (to come home), then she loses that status and will be placed on a waiting list. And ... she can't wait. For her physical safety, she needs skilled care.

Anyway, that's the status at the moment. Dad and I go to the rehab center twice a day to feed her. I do most of the feeding; as I told Dad, "You'll have a longer chance to feed her. I won't" (since my visit here is fairly short).

My youngest brother, who has been incredible, warned me well about my mother's decline, so her condition wasn't a shock. It's just sad to see her regressing almost to an infantile state. But my dad hasn't wavered in his care for her, even though she's no longer at home. That, dear readers, is marriage.

I don't know how much longer I'll be here, but I'm guessing another 10 days or so. Dad and I have a meeting with my mother's caseworker this week to discuss the financial aspects (all the medi-whatevers: MediCal, MediCaid, MediCare, etc.). They'll transfer my mother to the long-term care side of the facility in the next couple of days.

Then, to make things worse, today we had to get a form notarized. My dad's sister (my aunt) isn't expected to live long. She never married or had children, so my dad is her closest living relative. He had to sign a consent form (and get it notarized) to have her buried in the family plot near my grandparents and great-grandparents. So yeah, it's been a tough month for my dad.

I deeply appreciate everyone's thoughts and prayers.