I saw an astounding statistic this week: "Couples bicker an average of 2,455 times a year."
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What?? That's 6.7 times per day. This is "average"? I think Don and I bicker maybe once or twice per year. Maybe.
As it turns out, this claim dates back to a survey among British couples conducted in 2011. I wasn't able to find the original survey. Whether the statistic is still considered accurate or not is undetermined.
According to this summary of the survey, the main causes of bickering among couples is as follows:
• Not listening – 112 fights a year
• Overspending – 109
• Money – 108
• Laziness – 105
• Snoring – 102
• Bills – 98
• What to eat for dinner – 92
• Driving too fast – 91
• Walking past things that need to go upstairs – 90
• Dirty house – 90
• What to watch on television – 89
• Disciplining the children – 88
• Dirty clothes left around the house – 88
• When to have sex – 87
• Taking each other for granted – 84
• Children's bedtime – 83
• Getting home late from work – 82
• Not taking washing out – 82
• Getting in the way in the kitchen – 82
• Treading mud into the house – 80
• Spoiling the children – 79
• Who should cook the evening meal – 79
• Swearing in front of the children – 79
• Not closing cupboard doors – 79
• Parking the car – 77
• Not answering your phone – 76
• Failing to say please/thank you – 75
• Not saying 'I love you' – 69
Phew. Reviewing this list makes me wonder if these couples even like each other. Who bickers over every little thing? I mean really ... arguing 69 times per year about not saying "I love you" frequently enough? Really?
Reading a few of the comments that followed this article (largely, it must be admitted, from those who deny bickering that frequently or who say the survey is "a load of rubbish"), this one jumped out: "I am sure lots of people have great relationships and argue rarely. However having read all the comments on this post, I find it amazing how many people are in denial and claim they have only had five arguments in five years. etc. People in good relationships argue, it is par for the course. As someone said, if you bottle it up you only later on explode and end up almost killing an innocent person who has nothing to do with your domestic issues while you are driving a car, at a party, a family gathering and in the workplace. Come on people, stop playing the perfect couple game and try to be a little bit sincere and honest, you will feel better for it."
Okay, I'm being sincere and honest: Don and I maybe bicker once or twice a year. Maybe. I don't think either of us would want to stick it out for 35+ years if we argued constantly. Are we normal or unusual? I don't know.
(Bonus comment from another person I'm posting simply because it's so beautifully and colorfully British: "Men 'don't listen' because most wives talk incessant twaddle in such biblical quantity that we simply turn our ears off.")
So ... how often do you bicker with your partner? Is this survey "twaddle" or is it accurate?
The "men don't listen becuse" thing is such a cop out. They listened just fine when we were dating, they gave us all their undivided attention and thought we were magnificent. As soon as they get married domestic deafness sets in and they become little babies that just want a mommy, not a wife. The Peter Pan syndrome is real.
ReplyDelete"Domestic deafness" is actually the man doing what's necessary to keep the larder full, the bills paid, the car running, and the roof overhead. Sometimes it gets overwhelming and gets in the way of interaction with his wife. He's listening, but his mind is full. Women aren't immune from this malady, by the way.
DeleteIf your husband is a "Peter Pan," the wrong choice was made, and YOU were the one who made it.
Domestic deafness is the man tuning his wife out because he wants a mommy, not an equal partner.
DeleteNobody marries a nagging woman. Women become naggers because men stop listening after marriage. That's why couples bicker. Men stop listening, women want their man's attention back and unfortunately, that's really the only time men listen.
ReplyDeleteA woman once wrote, "If you treated me more like a thoroughbred, I wouldn't be such a nag." Her husband then wrote, "If you weren't such a nag, I'd treat you more like a thoroughbred."
DeleteEither side,... or BOTH... can be guilty here...
To the two anonymouses above. I am a 67 year old man. I am also a retired psych nurse and behavioral therapist for over 30 years. My experience in counseling women in most circumstances women keep repeating the same gripe or complaint. In most cases the repeat is of the same subject seeking a new answer or an answer or outcome that fits their perceived narrative or personal result. I am guilty of that not hearing if I have heard it eighteen times in that last day and a half and I have no answer or a solution that is apparent. It is not that we are ignoring it. I personally never wanted another mommy, I had one, she was flawed but had a strong will to provide with her husband(my father) a safe and nourishing upbringing. She wasn't a saint, but she wasn't a nagging, sad, pathetic women either. She was an old school nurse and out of six kids, four were girls, her son followed her footsteps. I am not advocating men are not guilt free, just some women are clueless as to their motivation and presences.
ReplyDeleteOf course you wanted a mommy. She washes your dirty underwear, keeps your home clean, washes your dirty dishes..etc. You know subconsciously you want a mommy. If you are a behavioral therapist you know this. Glad your mommy was a strong woman. If a woman is nagging about an outcome they want, it's usually because 1.they are scared of what will happen and they are looking for reassurance or 2.They think your decision stinks and they are looking for reassurance. You men stopped meeting on an EMOTIONAL level after marriage. Admit it. You chased, conquered and then stopped pursuing on an EMOTIONAL level becuse it was too much effort after marriage. Then you revert to being little boys that just want mommy to make it all better.
DeleteWe've been married 45 years this December. We occasionally disagree about something, but don't "bicker"; we tell each other what we think or present the problem then fix it. (Example: Him: please aim the shower head towards the wall when you're done showering so I don't get sprayed in the face when I start the shower. Me: Oh geez, sorry about that. I never even thought about that. Problem resolved).
ReplyDeleteOn paper this sounds great. I've found though, that usually the fighting starts not by what was sadi, but HOW it was said. Delivery counts.
DeleteThere is a lot of bickering going on here among strangers..lol. Sounds like it's a problem within genders not marriages.
ReplyDeleteInteresting responses. Remember the book, "Women Are From Venus, Men Are From Mars"? Amusing.
ReplyDeleteMy husband and I were not even close to the amount of disagreements the study mentioned. We did respect each other's opinion and expertise. We might not always agree but never let something become a point of contention. We were a good team. So, don't sweat the small stuff, discuss the important stuff, choose the best action if required and work together to accomplish your collective goals. Choose the right mate for all the right reasons.
Seems like Patrice stirred up a little can of worms there, eh? Yikes, people.
ReplyDeleteAnd yes, my husband and I bicker, and yes, it's usually over dumb stuff (but not like most of that list!), but not that much at all, and we've been married 35 years!