Country Living Series

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Divorce Agreement

This was sent to me. Apparently it was written by a college student. Either way, it's good!

Divorce Agreement

Dear American liberals, leftists, social progressives, socialists, Marxists and Obama supporters, et al:

We have stuck together since the late 1950's for the sake of the kids, but the whole of this latest election process has made me realize that I want a divorce.... I know we tolerated each other for many years for the sake of future generations, but sadly, this relationship has clearly run its course.

Our two ideological sides of America cannot and will not ever agree on what is right for us all, so let's just end it on friendly terms. We can smile and chalk it up to irreconcilable differences and go our own way.

Here is a model separation agreement:

Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by landmass each taking a similar portion. That will be the difficult part, but I am sure our two sides can come to a friendly agreement. After that, it should be relatively easy! Our respective representatives can effortlessly divide other assets since both sides have such distinct and disparate tastes.

We don't like redistributive taxes so you can keep them. You are welcome to the liberal judges and the ACLU. Since you hate guns and war, we'll take our firearms, the cops, the NRA and the military. We'll take the nasty, smelly oil industry and you can go with wind, solar and biodiesel. You can keep Oprah, Michael Moore and Rosie O'Donnell (You are, however, responsible for finding a bio-diesel vehicle big enough to move all three of them).

We'll keep capitalism, greedy corporations, pharmaceutical companies, Wal-Mart and Wall Street. You can have your beloved lifelong welfare dwellers, food stamps, homeless, homeboys, hippies, druggies and illegal aliens. We'll keep the hot Alaskan hockey moms, greedy CEO's and rednecks. We'll keep the Bibles and give you NBC and Hollywood.

You can make nice with Iran and Palestine and we'll retain the right to invade and hammer places that threaten us. You can have the peaceniks and war protesters. When our allies or our way of life are under assault, we'll help provide them security.

We'll keep our Judeo-Christian values. You are welcome to Islam, Scientology, Humanism, political correctness and Shirley McClain. You can also have the U.N., but we will no longer be paying the bill.

We'll keep the SUV's, pickup trucks and oversized luxury cars. You can take every Subaru station wagon you can find.

You can give everyone health care if you can find any practicing doctors. We'll continue to believe health care is a luxury and not a right. We'll keep The Battle Hymn of the Republic and the National Anthem. I'm sure you'll be happy to substitute Imagine, I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing, Kum Ba Ya or We Are the World.

We'll practice trickle down economics and you can continue to give trickle up poverty your best shot.

Since it often so offends you, we'll keep our history, our name and our flag.

Would you agree to this? If so, please pass it along to other like minded liberal and conservative patriots and if you do not agree, just hit delete. In the spirit of friendly parting, I'll bet you Answer which one of us will need whose help in 15 years.

John J. Wall
Law Student and an American

P.S. Also, please take Ted Turner, Sean Penn, Martin Sheen, Barbara Streisand, & Jane Fonda with you.

P.S.S. And you won't have to press 1 for English when you call our country.


  1. Actually, they can keep the cops, wall street, and 'invading other countries because we feel like it' too.

  2. I love it!


  3. I've only been around since the very early 50s and I have been faithful for a damed long time. Our current crop of miserable Chicago style criminals may have raised my blood pressure but I will hang on to see them hang. I WANT A DIVORCE!!

  4. I would argue that many of those running "greedy" corporations are actually Obama supporters. 52% of Americans making more than $200K per year voted for Obama as opposed to 46% for McCain. That is a landslide margin. From the perspective of many of these voters, Obama has delivered. The fact that the banks were bailed out, and not nationalized, has been viewed by many sophisticated/corporate business people as a tremendous success. Republicans long ago ceased to be a pro-business party in any way that is differentiated from the democrats. The tea partiers reflexive resistance to any kind of government intervention is seen by many of those corporate business people as hopelessly naive.

    Last but not least, many of those greedy corporations are located on the coasts. If we are really going to divide up the country, I am pretty sure we will be keeping New York, San Francisco, LA, Boston, etc. These liberal areas pay a lot more into the federal pot than they get out - It would be nice to be rid of the burden of redistributive taxes that take money out of successful, liberal-leaning states and transfer it to conservative-leaning states.

    The net is that Democrats are somehow anti-capitalist or anti-business is outdated. Many, many successful business people are much more comfortable with liberal social policies and smart government regulation than they are with the conservative social agenda and a complete free for all.

  5. Yeah Anonymous (nice name BTW), those liberal leaning states like the bankrupt California, New Jersey, and New York are really successful. Let me tell you, they are veritable paradises! *rolls eyes*

    And just because some business people make the ridiculous and self crushing decision to support more government regulation and more taxes doesn't make it good policy for business. Or have you forgotten the current economic state?

  6. No, Jason anyone who is honest with themselves can see what has happened in the North East part of our country. Doomed may be the word to describe what is just over the horizon. I feel so sorry for anyone who cares from there because it looks bleak from where I'm viewing this. Take care and brace yourself it will get difficult.